Jump to content
Pickup Asia Forums

French Ben

  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


French Ben last won the day on March 19

French Ben had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

2 Neutral

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. These mp3s had been sitting on my computer since 2004 ! Finally listened to all of them tonight David De Angelo seems to take 40 minutes before sticking his schmutz into a woman. I think he's a bit overselling his ideas lol. The cocky and funny attitude seems to be not very appropriate for Asia too. But overall good summary of lots of things we already knew. Interesting that he never mentions comfort, vulnerability, hero story, multiple bounces, etc. But this stuff was written nearly 20 years ago for women in the early 2000s. Funny how he even mentioned AOL --- David De Angelo – Sexual Communication Let her readjust her body towards you, not the opposite Look at her in a very sexual way – when she asks “what are you doing?”, answer “Hold on, I’m not finished” When dancing, leave her and grab another girl to dance with as soon as the music finishes. After 5 minutes, ask them if they are bisexual. When she asks what you think about her clothes, ask her “you got anything else?” When you walk into a bar, walk to each girl in the bar and introduce yourself. Sexual Communication is a language you should speak at once when meeting her. The Elusive Obvious: we get into negative patterns by now knowing how to use your bodies. Seek for the elusive obvious: the reactions that girls give you. Attraction is not a choice. Affection is not attraction. The sexual parts of each other can communicate to each other directly and you can trigger her attraction mechanisms very fast with only communication skills. Being funny and rude or going away can get a positive response. There are 4 steps in sexual communication: Spark the attraction or chemistry Building sexual tension Cocky and funny Amplifying the attraction Retreating, 2 steps forward 1 step back, creating anticipation, doing unpredictable things so she doesn’t know what is going to happen Physically advancing Hold her hand, kiss her Sperm has a war inside the womb. 8-10% of us have fathers who aren’t our fathers. 20% of DNA tests come back negative. Monkeys know when the female is ovulating but for humans it is hidden. A woman’s sexual desire peaks on the day of ovulation when they are the most fertile. Women tend to time sex with an affair on the day of an ovulation (study on 1,100 people) whereas sex with the partner is not on ovulation. For peacocks, their evolution to become sexually desirable has become dangerous for them. Large feathers with eyes on them make them vulnerable to predators. This is called a runaway process. Some species have grown antlers so big that the species died out because they couldn’t feed themselves. The runaway process has killed off species because females wanted bigger and bigger antlers. For humans, it’s breasts, buttocks, symmetry, lack of parasites, posture, shiny skin, hip-to-waist ratio. Our sexual orientation has become inside, it is displayed through intelligence, arts and music. A bower bird will work 24-7 to build a huge nest and paint the insides to find female. The female will look at the nest and choose whether it is will decorated. Some guys have learned to display this inner sexual orientation. Fish and butterfly have never learned how to mate but they know how to do it- we are actually the same. You already have the muscles. Sexual tension Women have a wider range of emotions and are better at giving and receiving subtle cues. Sexual tension is emphasized by EC, teasing, playing hard-to-get, humor, games. Limiting-belief exercise: List 10 beliefs you have about your ability to attract women sexually (positive or negative) Write down where you think these beliefs came from Take the negative ones, take a situation where each one of them didn’t hold true. The goal is to doubt your own negative beliefs List the beliefs you would like to replace your limiting beliefs with Write affirmations in the present tense and positive. “I feel secure now” Write them every day for 30 days. Imagine the kind of success that flows from each belief more and more. Buy Body Language by Julius Fast, chapter 7 (The silent language of love) Rules of conduct, attitudes, rules of thumb, tests Have you had a woman ever challenge you? Have you done something to appease her, or pursued her and have her choose another one for a jerk? Women are programmed to be attracted to masculine guys, to leaders- he doesn’t look for approval, lives in his own world, doesn’t let outside events take him off track. A leader has overconfidence that is charming and funny. He is not ass-kissing or approval-seeking wussies. “You’re cocky, you are arrogant” are good things to hear. You can answer “Thank you for noticing” Do not look for her approval - “I don’t like that shirt” -> “Well, I like it”, or “I will trade you” or “Take it off me” The leader faces his insecurities and is dominant. Dominance means being in control of other people, of telling other people what to do. The leader acts like he is always in control of the situation. A leader is selfish – you can be both selfish and generous. Selfish means you demand and expect the best for yourself. I am going to do something I enjoy. Be composed, always keep your cool. Don’t apologize for your desires, for what you do or say. Be picky and selective and communicating you are picky. Mention things you don’t like. Order the food the way you want. Speak about the things you do not want in your life. Be judgemental. The more judgmental shows you are the ultimate authority- say it intelligently, say where people make mistakes. Do not accept second-class behavior or treatment from others. “I don’t accept second-class behavior from someone. If you want to treat me in a second-class manner, you have to go” Being territorial: talk about how you don’t invite anyone in your house. Talk about how your house is a place of good energy. Sit at a bigger table, spread out. Kiss her and stop. Show you are in control of your sex drive. Living in your own reality. Others are guests in your reality. Your posture, gesture and EC can show that. Lift your chest, pull your shoulders back, use slow gestures, breathe slowly, move slowly. And have strong eye contact Testing They flake, cancel plans, challenge you in front of other people, play games, hinting she wants things, getting upset and dramatic and see if you will put up with it. They do it to quickly figure out what they are dealing with. They prefer strong men. They need to see your strengths and weaknesses. Rules of thumb Many guys who just want to “be themselves” as a codeword for being manupulative, ass-kissing wussies, which is not the way they behave normally. Men tend to take communication at face value- we ask “what do you mean?”. Women like to encode messages. You want to project the right message subtly. For a woman, it is all part of a story. She wants to believe in the romantic story that is happening. Be in the moment with them and like the unpredictability of what can happen. Attitudes There is no downside You are never losing anything when taking to a woman. They invest lots of time getting ready. They lose more than you. You have nothing to lose to talk to her. I am different to the outcome It is no big deal what happens. Practice detachment. When you are indifferent, it is very magnetic Time with me is rare and valuable She is privileged from being with me. She is going to have a good time. She gets the good deal She likes me and I am going to tease her and see how much I want to bust her balls. She will have to prove to me that she is above average Strategies go get into these attitudes Stealing her frame: use all her lines on her. Hold the bar high, point out their flaws if they are really hot. Sit down and write down things that women have done that have shut you down. “I do not like when you just look at me like a piece of meat” or “You are just looking at me like a sexual object. I have feelings” Always present a challenge in all situations. Talk to her and walk away. If she asks you to do something, say no. If you are walking together in a shop, walk away to another aisle. People do not want things that are available, they want things that are scarce and hard to get. Be mysterious. “What do you do?” -> never answer these questions. They will just know my name but that’s it. After one hour they still know nothing about us. Never give a woman a direct answer unless it’s no Did you like the way that felt? -> Well you obviously did. / No / Why do you ask? Answer questions with questions that implicate her What are you doing on Saturday? -> Well what do you have in mind? / Why, what are you going to do for me? Will you rub my shoulders? -> Maybe, what will you do for me? / Sure, if you wash my car Are you a player? -> Are you trying to tell me you are a player? When she complains about something, don’t change too much for her I don't like that music -> Turn it louder before turning it down Never give a woman exactly what she asks for Will you take me to dinner at X at 7? Take her to another restaurant / No, I am busy, I will take you. You will see where Send mixed signals Physically generous and giving, but verbally challenging If she wants a hug, you can give her a hug and call her a pain in the ass at the same time. Say you are going to like her as a friend when sexual tension is high Don’t do things that are predictable Do not always talk about the same things, or have the same tone of voice, or always go to the same places Do not be boring Be distinctive Find ways to be unique in a way she prefers. Buy distinctive shoes. Get a distinctive haircut. Talk about something other people don’t mention. Order distinctive drinks- with 2 lemons. Never act apologetic The more relaxed you are, the more she will be. Talk about anything you want. Two step forwards, one step back When she likes what you are doing, stop, lean back. Have her work for it. If she says “haha, tell me another joke” -> Maybe later. Never let the line go slack If you are crossing the line too much, stop and talk about something else. But If you stop too much and she gets bored, that is equally bad. If things take too much time, the tension dies. Call her fast. Keep tension going. Always raise and call her bluff Demonstrate you are willing to walk away. “You are mean, I am leaving” -> Ok, don’t hurt your ass against the door Once you have a frame that works, keep rolling with it If the “you only see me as a sex object” card works, keep using it during the conversation. Lead and move forward confidently Be decisive, make decisions. Choose a drink for her, open the door for her, do not ask for her approval. If you have to ask a sensitive question, ask it boldly. You can say “if you are insecure, it is your problem not mine” Do not be a wussy Exercises Make a list of 5 masculine traits you would like to cultivate List 3 ways you could improve that area (raise your chest, slow deliberate gestures, eliminate nervous ticks, walking decisively or slowly, taking decisions, etc...) List 10 past situations where you can remember a woman testing you and see how you could change your reaction for a better outcome Take the 15 techniques and come up with one way you could use one immediately and use it straight away Step 1 and 2: Sparking the attraction or chemistry and building sexual tension Chemistry and sexual tension are a feeling. Women like the anticipation Flirting – it is like playfight. I have a great job -> Great, we are getting married. I like women with money, But wait, do you think you can support both of us? I like to stay home and watch TV. No? Ok I’m divorcing you. To a random woman in a store: “I am sorry we don’t have this item any more” -> “I am sorry this relationship isn’t going anymore. I am going to have to break up with you” Good ways to do it Give her a hard time about anything To a waitress at Starbucks: “what are you doing there, growing the beans?” (if it is taking too long) Mention how the relationship doesn’t seem to be working Faking despair at something she is doing She hands you the wrong cup of coffee -> Huge sigh Being overly dramatic and complaining about her performance “We are out of that” -> Be too comfortable Act like you don’t care, you are indifferent about the outcome Pick any aspect and open with that: ”You know what they say about women who come here for coffee / who wear red glasses / who wear X?” and say “Hm, I won’t tell you if you don’t know” Cocky and funny It is always both at the same time. It shows you are hard to get and very comfortable in the face of an attractive girl. At the grocery store: “so how much of this cash do you keep? You must be rich of famous. No? That won’t work, I need someone who can support me” Don’t say “I am sorry” if she acts offended, take it up a notch. “What is that big purse, you got a gun in there?” These are tall shoes, you are 1 meter tall without them? Complimenting me already? You would rather need to buy me a drink. Mimic something that she is doing. Pick up something small (napkin or straw) and hit her with it, for example if she acts offended. Sexual misinterpretation: It’s time to go home -> I have only known you for 15 minutes I need to go -> Where are you taking me? It better be good She speaks about moving -> I am not moving with you. I just met you. And I don’t like this area Take the interview questions and avoid them: What do you do? -> I don’t think you can handle the answer. Compliments If you want to give her a compliment, make it backhanded. These shoes look great. (thanks) I bet they looked great when they were new. Games to play How much would it take you to be a stripper? A million USD to go on stage just once. How much money would it take to get you to do it? Especially if it is about something she doesn’t like Laugh at shit-tests Do not be explicit. Always imply things Shit tests can be responded with just a chuckle. See them as cute “I do not like when you make fun of me” -> That is cute. “I am sorry, I cannot come tonight” -> Come on, give me a break Make it her problem, not yours. She mentions she doesn’t like short men -> You know at first, I didn’t want to talk to you because I usually don’t date tall women, but I am glad I did because you look interesting. Or “it is too bad you are so tall. If you were a few inches shorter, I might have asked you out” Turn things around and make it her problem Arguments and conflict can spark attraction If a fight happens, it creates strong sexual tension. Watch Die Another Day Exercise: flirt with 10 women every day for the next 10 days Take the most common questions you get and come up with answers Steps 3 and 4 : Amplifying the attraction and sexually advancing Eye contact EC reveals how confident you are with yourself. Hold initial EC until she looks away. In the mall, hold EC until women look away. It exudes confidence masculinity. Confident guys blink slower and move their eyes around slower. Voice tone should be deep, speak from your chest and stomach. Use deliberate, articulate pauses. It is very powerful. Put your hand on chest and stomach to feel them moving when you speak. Most men behave like they want to get something. Instead, you should demonstrate that the woman will get great pleasure. A person will only do something that they have imagined doing something before. Men are like light switches; women are more like volume knobs. When you know you can make her feel good and get good orgasms, it will help your game a lot. Many men want to be liked instead of focusing on showing they are in control and confident. 2 step forwards, 1 step back Kiss her, stop and pull back. When it happens again unexpectedly a second later, she wil feel swept away by it. When things are going very well on the phone, suddenly say “Ok I got to go” and end the conversation on a high note. Men create all the resistance without realizing it – they touch her before she is ready. In sales, you close by focusing on the buyer’s needs, not the seller’s. 2-1 also show that you are in control of the situation, that you are the one choosing. Touch her very lightly and very slowly. Later, you can contrast this with pulling and grabbing, and get back to soft touch. Example of a progression: home-bounce, walk away to make a call, show her around, walk to the bedroom, sit on the bed and talk to her. Sit furthest away from her. Reach over to see her hands (for hand massage / hand-read). After a while, stop, lean back, and go back to your end of the bed After a while, take her hand again and give it back to her immediately (“I just wanted to see if you already obey to my every whim, haha”). Then after a while, turn her around and massage her back. Lead - “it’s ok, just turn around” and rub her shoulders. And stop, lean back again. Pull her next to you. Smell her neck and make a comment about it “that smells good”. Do it again. And do it for 10 minutes straight. It is a very powerful move that turns her on. You haven’t kissed her yet. Run your lips but don’t kiss her. Say “I want to bite you”. And lean back. And come back. Brush her lips with yours. And lean back. Go back to smelling her. Grab and rub her in a passionate way, but not in private areas. Run your fingers over the skin that is exposed. Next kiss her passionately for 10 minutes while smelling her neck. And stop, lean back. Go put some music, light some candles, start having a conversation with her again as if nothing happened. Start kissing her again unexpectedly. One way to have sex with her in lot of different positions is to mimic all these positions while only kissing her. Simulate every position while just kidding her. Put your hand 2 inches away from your crotch and leave it there for 10 minutes. And take it back When you feel she is really turned on (after 30 fucking minutes???) go further, stop touching her sexually for a minute. You have bypassed 95% of the resistance you would have gotten. Aftercare: massage, food, drink. Makes it feel like a complete experience.
  2. The 4-Hour Workweek, Tim Ferris Can these principles work in an economic depression? Yes. Lots of companies were launched during crises: Facebook, Linkedin, Apple, Fedex, Microsoft. Instead of saving good times for when you retire. The goal is to give mini-retirements now, cut your working hours in half and double your vacation time. An expert Is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be done in a narrow field (Niels Bohr) Make sure you have a market before you have a product. I sent one startup CEO 32 consecutive e-mails, he finally put me in sales. Step 1: Definition You want to have others work for you and spend the minimum amount of time working yourself. You want to own the trains and make sure they run on time. You want to have defined dreams to chase, timelines and steps. You need to make sure payday comes every day, not wishing to hit the jackpot in 10 years. Dreams are actually very cheap. A private villa, world-class ski runs, etc are all very accessible for cheap at the good moment of the year. Who are the new riches? Re-arranging a work schedule and negotiating a remote agreement to achieve 90% of the results in 10% of the time By eliminating the least profitable customers and outsourcing operations By running a dropshopping business I cannot give you a formula for success, but I can give one for failure: try to please everybody, all the time (Herbert Bayard Swope) By making all your calls in the early morning and late evening, you get to avoid secretaries and speak directly to the managers. The timing is never right. The stars will never align and the traffic lights will never all be green at the same time. Ask for forgiveness, not for permission. Don’t give people the chance to say no. Most are fast to stop you before you get started but hesitant to get in the way if you are already moving. Get good at being a troublemaker and saying sorry when you really screw up. Emphasize strengths, don’t fix weaknesses Most people are only good at a handful of things at miserable at most. It is far more lucrative and fun to leverage your strengths instead of attempting to fix all the chinks in your armor. Your weaknesses will at best become mediocre. Focus on better use of your best weapons instead of constant repair. Money alone is not the solution We say “If only I had more money” so we can postpone the intense self-examination and decision-making necessary to create a life of enjoyment now. By using money as the scapegoat and working all day, we do not allow ourselves the time to do otherwise. Money is not the real problem. Distress is bad, eustress is good Euphoric stress is something we want. Role models who push us to exceed our limits, physical training that removes our spare tires and risks that expand our sphere of comfortable action are all examples od eustress – stress that is healthy and the stimulus for growth. Question How has being “realistic” or “responsible” kept you from the life you want? Fear-setting and escaping paralysis Many a false step was made by standing still Named must your fear be before banish it you can (Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back) Most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty. Defining your fear is conquering it As soon as I cut through the vague unease and ambiguous anxiety by defining my nightmare, the worst-case scenario, I wasn’t as worried about taking a trip. I realized that on a scale of 1 to 10, my so-called worst –case scenario was a temporary 4 at worst. Fear can be disguised as optimism There is no difference between a pessimist who says “It’s hopeless” and the optimist who says “It’s going to turn out fine anyways”. Either way, nothing happens (Yvon Chouinard) I am an old man and have known a great many troubles. But most of them never happened (Mark Twain) If you are nervous about making the jump, write down your answers: Define the absolute worst that could happen What steps could you take to repair the damage or fix things, even temporarily? What are the benefits, both temporary and permanent of the probable scenarios? If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to keep things under financial control? What are you putting off out of fear? Usually what we fear the most is what we most need to do. A person’s success in life can be measure by the number of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have. Resolve to do one scary thing every day. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous businesspeople for advice. What is it costing you financially and emotionally to postpone action? Inaction has a cost. How will you feel allowing circumstance to impose itself upon you and having allowed 10 more years to pass doing something unfulfilling? What are you waiting for? If you answer “bad timing”, you are afraid, like the rest of the world. Being unreasonable and unambiguous The reasonable man adapt himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress relives on unreasonable men. (George Bernard Shaw) I challenged 20 students to contact a world-class celebrity – Bill Gates, JLo, etc and get at least one reply to 3 questions. None completed the challenge. There were many excuses, but actually only one reason, repeated in different words. All of them overestimated the competition and nobody even showed up. Had any one of them even tried, they would have won the competition. Doing the unrealistic is easier than doing the realistic It is lonely at the top. 99% of people are so convinced they cannot achieve great things, so they aim for the mediocre. The level of competition is therefore the fiercest for “realistic” goals. It is easier to raise 1,000,000 dollars than 100,000. It is easier to pick up the perfect 10 at the bar than the 8. If you feel insecure, the rest of the world also feels that way. Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself. Also, unrealistic goals are uninspiring and you will give up at the first or second problem. If your potential payoff is mediocre, so is your effort. The fishing is best where the fewest go, and the collective insecurity of the world makes it easy for people to hit home runs while everyone else is aiming for base hits.. There is less competition fro bigger goals. Do not ask yourself “what do I want?”, ask yourself “what excites me?”. The real enemy is not failure, it is boredom. Boredom and fear. Your goals must be unrealistic to be effective They shift from ambiguous wants to defined steps Living like a millionaire is doing interesting things How to get George Bush on the phone Find personal e-mail, like on their personal blogs, send a 2-3 paragraph email explaining you are familiar with their work, and ask one simple-to-answer but thought-provoking question related to their work or life philosophies. (eg: “When were you the happiest in your life?”) The goal is to start a dialogue so they take the time to answer future e-mails. Do not ask them for help. This can only come after 3-4 exchanges. Marrinan e-mailed Princeton dean to get Schmidt’s personal e-mail address. No response. Re-mail. Got a no. Re-re-emailed “have you ever made an exception?” and eventually got it. Some people go for higher numbers, but Marrinan said “I deal with rejection by persisting, not by taking my business elsewhere” The existential vacuum manifests itself mainly in a state of boredom (Viktor Frankl) What would you do if there was no way you could fail? If you were 10 times smarter than the rest of the world? Create 2 timelines – 6 and 12 months Write down things you would like to have, things you would like to do and things you would like to be. If you can’t find, write down things you hate and get the opposite. What would you do day-to-day if you had 100 million USD in the bank? What would make you excited to wake up in the morning to another day? A place to visit A thing to do before you die A thing to do daily A thing to do weekly A thing you have always wanted to learn Convert each being into doing Great cook -> making Christmas dinner without help Fluent in Chinese -> Have a 5 mn conversation Determine the cost of these dreams in monthly cash flows (X usd every month) Determine 3 steps for each of the 4 dreams in the 6 months timeline and take the first step now I usually set up 3 and 6 months timelines. Long distance can become an excuse to postpone action. Set small actions for today, tomorrow and overmorrow, at 11am. Each should take 5mn at most. If you need to research, get in touch with someone who knows or who has done it instead of wasting time. Comfort challenge Propose solutions instead of asking for them. Elicit desired responses instead of reacting. You need to develop the uncommon habit of making decisions both for yourself and for others Challenge: eye gaze For the next 2 days, make eye contact with everyone until they break contact. Practice with people bigger or more confident than yourself. Step 2: Elimination 20% of sources cause 80% of your problems and unhappiness. I stopped contacting 95% of my customers and fired 2%, leaving me with the top 3%. Out of more than 120 wholesale customers, 5 brought 95% of the revenue. I put these customers in passive mode: if they ordered, great. If not, I would do absolutely no chasing. Then I identified the main characteristics of the best 5 customers and secured similar profiles in the next week. More customers is not the goal- it often results in more housekeeping and just a 1-3% revenue income. The goal should be to make maximum income for the minimum number of customers. I focused on increasing the size and frequency of my best customers instead. Advertising I identified the advertising that was generating 80% of my revenue and multiplied it. Online Affiliates and partners I fired 250 low-yield online affiliates and focused on the 2 that brought 90% of my income. Management time dropped. Being busy is a form of laziness- lay thinking and indiscriminate action. Parkinson’s Law: if we have 8 hours to do something, we do it in 8 hours. If we have 2, we do it in 2. A task will swell in perceived importance and complexity depending on the time allotted for its completion, Limit tasks to the important to shorten work (80/20) Shorten working time to limit tasks to the important Ask yourself the following questions: If I had a heart attack and could work only 2 hours a day, what would I do? If you could work only 2 hours a week, what would you do? If you had to cut 80% of time-consuming activities, what would you eliminate? (email, phone calls, conversations, paperwork, meetings, advertising, customers, suppliers, products, services, etc) What are the top-3 activities that I use to fill time and to feel productive? Who are the 20% of people who provide 80% of your enjoyment? Who are the 20% that bring 80% of your problems, depression and anger? You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. If someone isn’t making you stronger, they are making you weaker. If this is the only thing I accomplish today, will I feel satisfied with my day? Always start a day’s work with a clear list of priorities. Compile your list for tomorrow. There should never be more than 2 critical items to complete each day. If you can’t choose which go first, ask yourself “If I only do this, will I be satisfied with my day?” Do not multitask. Use Parkinson’s Law: shorten deadlines and schedules. Limit the number of tasks on your to-do list and use impossibly short deadlines to force immediate action. Challenge: learn to propose (2 days) Stop asking for opinions and start proposing solutions. If someone asks “Where should we eat?”, say “I suggest we eat at __” or “Let’s try ___ and try something else if that doesn’t work” Cultivate selective ignorance I do not read news. I read at most one third of an industry magazine (Response Magazine) and one business magazine (Inc) per month. It takes me 4 hours per month. What if I had to do something I didn’t know how to? Like sell a book to the world’s largest publisher as a first-time author? I would find 10 people who have done it, ask them a smart question by e-mail or phone after researching their profiles. Read, surf and watch TV as little as possible Emails and phone Never check email in the morning. Instead, complete your most important task before 11am. Only check email twice a day at 12 and 4. Set up autoresponders: “Due to high workload, I am currently checking and responding to email twice daily at 12 and 4. If you require urgent assistance that cannot wait, call me at ---” Use 2 phone numbers – urgent and non-urgent. The office phone should be in silent mode. The responder could say “I check my voicemail daily at 12 and 4. If you require assistance with a matter that cannot wait, call my emergency phone at ---. Otherwise, you can send me an email as I am often able to respond faster that way.” Interrupting interrupters Start the conversation by saying “I am in the middle of something right now. How can I help you?” (if she says she can call back) No, it’s ok, I have a minute. What can I do for you?” Cutting chitchat- “Sorry to interrupt, but I have a call in 5 minutes. What can I do to help out?” Avoid all meetings that do not have clear objectives. Meetings can be no longer than 5 minutes long. It is your job to train people around you to be efficient Have people send you emails, them phone, then meetings. If someone proposes a meeting, use phone as a fallback Respond to voicemail via e-mail. This trains people to be concise. Help them develop the habit Propose alternatives: “Can you meet at 4? If not, please advise 3 other times that work for you” “Hi Susan, has the shipment arrived? If so, advise me. If not, contact Jane in CC here. Jane, if there are any issues with the shipment, please coordinate with Susan, who has authority to make decisions up to $500 on my behalf. In case of emergency, call me on my phone, but I trust you two. Thanks” Meetings should only be held to make decisions, not to define a problem. If someone wants a meeting: “That sounds doable. So I can best prepare, can you please send me an email with an agenda? That is, the topics and questions that we will need to address? Thanks in advance (increases your chances to get a reply)” Define an end time for your meetings. They should last 30 minutes at most. Cite other commitments at odd times to make them more believable – eg. 3.20 instead of 3.30. Inform the organizer you would like to speak first so you can honor another commitment and leave early. In the office, wear headphones. When someone approaches, pretend to be on the phone and say “Can you hold on a second?” before telling the intruder “What can I do for you?” Don’t let them get back to you later, have them give a 5-second summary and send you an email if necessary. You can also say “I am in the middle of something. How can help you?” If it isn’t clear within 30 seconds, say “I’d be happy to help but I have to finish this first. Can you send me a quick email to remind me?” “I only have 2 minutes before a call, but what is the situation and what can I do to help?” Use the “foot in the door” close to get your managers to accept remote work. “Does that sound like something we could try for a week?” or “Is that reasonable?”. It is hard for people to label things unreasonable. Always batch There is always a setup time for each task. Check your mail twice a day. Some of my batches were email (Monday at 10), laundry (Sunday at 7), checking bills every second Monday, etc. Delegating The vision is really about empowering workers, giving them all the information so they can do a lot more than they have done in the past (Bill Gates) For the entrepreneur, the goal is to grant as much information and decision-making ability to employees and contractors. Here is an email I wrote to a contractor: “I would like to establish a new policy that overrides all the others. Keep the customer happy. If it costs less than 100$ to fix the problem, use your judgement and fix it yourself. This is official written permission and a request to fix all problems that cost under 100$ without contacting me. I am no longer your customer. My customers are your customer. Do not ask me for permission. Do what you think is right and we will make adjustments as we go along. Thank you” It is amazing how someone’s IQ seems to double when you give them responsibility and indicate that you trust them. Avoiding unwanted calls www.grandcentral.com www.youmail.com Establish do-not-disturb hours when calls are routed to voicemail Have voicemail sent to your cell as text messages Scheduling meetings Doodle: to schedule meetings Time Driver Choosing the best email batching times Xobni – find when people email you Jott – audio notes you get transcripts for CopyTalk – to speak and get a transcript by mail Challenge: say no to everything for 2 days Refuse to do all the things that won’t get you immediately fired. Be selfish. Say you are busy. Step 3: Automation If you spend your time, worth 25 USD per hour, doing something someone can do for 10 USD an hour, you are wasting resources. Eliminate before you delegate Use autoresponders with FAQ and autoforwarders to suppliers Eliminate meetings Each delegated task must be well-defined and time-consuming Your Man In India – both personal and pro Brickwork – only business projects, can even write a business plan for you to raise funding Common tasks you can outsource: web research, creation of legal documents, posting job vacancies, updating invoices, receiving payments, voicemail transcription, market research, legal research, charting a diet plan, ordering groceries based on this diet plan, moderating a forum Lots of Big 5 accounting firms just outsource to these people Using a Virtual Assistant team is better than a solo person Your sensitive data is extremely safe with Brickwork, more than on one your own PC Safety measures: Never use debit card for online transactions or with remote assistants. Reversing unauthorized credits card charges, particularly AmEx, is painless and nearly instantaneous. If your VA will be accessing a website on your behalf, create a new login and password for this site. Efficiency measures Ask a VA that has perfect English and indicate that phone calls will be required, even if they aren’t. Be clear: I asked the “bad” VA to schedule interviews but I didn’t say it was for an article, and he starting compiling information from job sites. I asked him to respond if he didn’t understand. I should have asked him to rephrase tasks to confirm understanding before getting started. I gave him a license to waste time by giving him a week. The best efficiency is to set deadlines for 48 and 24 hours. I gave him too many tasks and didn’t set an order of importance. Only send one task at a time, two at most. Eliminate before you delegate. A good VA email “I need to find the name and emails of editors of men’s magazines in he US (for example: maxim, stuff, GQ, etc) who have also written books. An example of such a person would be AJ Jacobs who is Editor at Large of Esquire. I already have his information and need more like him. Can you do this? If not, please advice. Please reply and confirm what you will plan to do to complete this task. Deadline: Since I am in a rush, get started after your next e-mail and stop at 3 hours and tell me what results you have. Please begin this task now if possible. The deadline for these 3 hours and reported result is end-of-day ET Monday” VA websites Elance, Guru, RentaCoder, TryAskSunday – I use them 80% of the time, as most tasks take less than 10 minutes to complete. B2KCorp – only business TasksEveryday - Your Man In India Syncing calendars and schedules BusySync – syncing different calendars WebEx Office – take appointments while hiding your agenda There are also tools to delay emails so people don’t answer you straightaway Redirecting colleagues when there is an issue “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Normally, the priorities are really clear to me. Could you help me ---?" “Oh and before I forget” - great way to transition and avoid awkwardness. Finding your muse (a business that works without you) Avoid service businesses as it requires lots of customer contact. The target product shouldn’t take more than 500 USD to test, must be automatized within four weeks and should not require more than a day of week of management. Many people make the mistake of investing and hoping for the best. Distribution The more resellers there are, the more they compete with each other and bring prices down. You need to limit wholesale distribution to the top one or two resellers who have agreed on a minimum selling price. Giving one company exclusivity (100% of th distribution) can be a good choice, you can negotiate better profit margins, better marketing support in-store, faster payment and other preferential treatment. Before committing to a product, you should know how you are going to sell it and distribute it. Step 1: Pick an affordably reachable niche market Don’t create a product and then seek someone to sell it. Find a market, find customers and then a product for them. If everyone is your customer, then nobody is. Something for car lovers? No. A restoration product for antique Fords? Way better. It is more profitable to be a big fish in a small pond than a small undefined fish in a big pond. Ask yourself these questions to find a niche: Which groups to you belong to or have belonged to and understand? Rock climbers, recreational cyclists, dancers, car aficionados. Look at all the books you own, and wonder which groups of people buy the same things you have. Which newsletters, which websites do you watch on a regular basis? Which of these groups have their own magazines? Visit a large bookstore and look at their smaller specialty magazines to brainstorm additional niches. Use Writer’s Market to identify magazine options outside bookstores. Call these magazines to talk to their advertising directors and tell them you are considering advertising. Ask them to email their current advertising rate card and include both readership numbers and magazine back-issue samples. Step 2: Brainstorm products – do not invest in them Pick the 2 markets that you are the most familiar with, that have their own magazines, with full-page advertising that costs less than 5,000 USD. There should be no fewer than 15,000 readers. The main benefit of your product should be encapsulated in one sentence. People can dislike you but they should never misunderstand you. Apple was clear: 1,000 songs in your pocket. Do not move ahead until you can do this without confusing people. Price: It should cost the customer 50-200 USD. Higher pricing means less customers to manage, attracts low-maintenance customers (better credit, less returns) and creates higher profit margins. I personally aim for a 8-10x markup, which means a 100 USD product can’t be bought at more than 12 USD. People will need to speak to a real person before buying something over 200 USD. Manufacturing It should take no more than 3 to 4 weeks. How to find out how long it will take? To go www.thomasnet.com Call a related manufacturer and try to get a referral (eg. Toilet bowls manufacturer could give you the address of a toilet cleaning solutions manufacturer) Google “toilet solutions” + “association” or “organization”. Contact these organizations, ask them for the name of their trade magazines, and referrals to manufacturers. Request pricing from the manufacturers. Determine the cost production for 100, 500, 1000 and 5000 units. FAQ It should be fully explainable in a FAQ Step 2 – Option 1: Resell a product Contact the manufacturer and request a wholesale pricelist (generally 40% off retail) and terms File for an LLC or other business structure Do not purchase until step 3 is complete Step 2 – Option 2: License a product First, there is the inventor of the product (the licensor) who can sell the rights to manufacture for 3-10% of the wholesale price. Then, there is the licensee who sells the product for 90 to 97% of the profit. Go on fourhourblog.com to sell inventions without prototypes or patents, and to secure rights to a no-name beginner. Step 2 – Option 3: Create a product You can hire engineers and designers on Elance. You can do “private labeling”: a generic product you can put your name on, like the Kirkland brand at Costco. Manufacturing is expensive. Unless you manufacture information, what has a huge markup price: 20x to 50x. It’s harder to copy. The best information-based products are: No Down Payment (Carlton Sheets) Attacking Anxiety and Depression (Lucinda Bassett) Personal Power (Tony Robbins) The guy who created a (badly-made) homemade DVD who explained to owners of storage facilities how to install security systems. “But I’m not an expert!” You don’t need to be the best, you just need to be better than a small target number of your prospective customers. Expert status can be created in less than 4 weeks if you understand basic credibility indicators. Being an expert creates good products and prevents returns. Being perceived as an expert sells products. A credibility indicator can be an “MD” at the end of your name but you don’t need that: Join 2-3 related trade organizations They must have a nice sounding name (Association for Conflict Resolution)- it can be done in 5 minutes with a bank card Read the 3 top-selling books on your topic (search historical New York Times bestseller lists online) Give one free 1-3-hour seminar In a nearby university. Use posters to advertise Do the same at branches of well-known companies (IBM, etc) in the same area Say you are doing it for free to get additional speaking experience outside of academics and will not be selling products or services. Record the seminars from two angles for larger potential use as a DVD product Optional: offer to write 1-2 articles for trade magazines related to your topic If they decline, offer to interview a known expert and write the article. It still gets your name listed as a contributor. Join ProfNet- journalists use it to find experts. Respond to journalist queries Done properly, you can get featured all the way to New York Times and ABC News. Creating content There are three options: Create the content yourself (from paraphrasing several books) Repurpose content that is in public domain and not subject to copyright protection, like government documents License content or compensate an expert to help create content If you read and understand 3 top-selling books on homepage design, you know more about that topic than 80% of the readership of a magazine for real estate brokers. Summarize the information and make recommendations specific to the needs of the real estate market, and you can expect a 1% response from an ad you place in the magazine. What can you sell for 50-200 USD? A combination of 2 CDs (30-90 minutes each), a 40-page transcription and a 10-page quick-start guide. Digital delivery is acceptable and even ideal if you can create a high enough perceived value. Tailor a general skill for a niche market. Think narrow and deep, not wide. Become an expert in the skill you and others would be interested What experts could you interview and record to create a sellable audio CD? They just need to be better than most, not the best. Offer them a digital master copy and an up-front payment or ongoing royalty payment. Use Skype and HotRecorder to get a transcript. Challenge: call one potential superstar mentor a day for 3 days Call first, email if it doesn’t work. Aim high. Look on contactanycelebrity.com “Hi, this is Tim Ferris calling for John Grisham, please” “May I ask what this is regarding?” “I know this might sound a bit odd, but I am a first-time author and just read his interview in Time Out New York. I am a longtime fan and I have finally built up the courage to call him for one specific piece of advice. It wouldn’t take more than 2 minutes of his time. Is there any way you could help me get through him? I really appreciate whatever you can do” “Hi Mr. Grisham, my name is Tim Ferris. I know this might sound a bit odd but I am a first-time author and a longtime fan. I just read your interview in X and finally built up the courage to call. I have wanted to ask you for a specific piece of advice for a long time, and it shouldn’t take more than 2 minutes of your time. May I?” “Uh ok go ahead, I have to be on a call in a few minutes” “....Thank you so much for being so generous with your time. If I have the occasional tough question- very occasional- is there any chance I could keep in touch via email?” Don’t say “Mr. Grisham”, it is a giveaway that you don’t know them. Say “John Grisham” or “John” Using the interview in the magazine allows you to avoid the question “who are you” and play the sympathy card when showing you are a first-timer “I am a longtime fan” can be replaced by “I have been following your career/exploits for a number of years.” “I finally built up the courage” -> Make it clear you are nervous even if you aren’t. They will lower their defenses. Ask them to “help” you do something Confirming market size Compete – find the number of visitors and search terms that generate traffic Quantcast Writer’s Market – listing of thousands of niche magazines and subscription numbers Spyfu – see your competitors’ online ad spending, keywords and ad-word details Standard Rate and Data Services – magazines and mailing lists available for rent Finding products to resell or manufacture Clickbank Commission Junction – will pay you 10-75% of each purchase. No inventory, no invoices to do. Amazon Associates – take 7-10%. Do not get into bidding wars using expensive keywords. Go niche. Alibaba – thay can make everything Worldwide Brands – how-to guide for finding manufacturers and dropshippers. This is what Amazon and eBay use Shopster – millions of dropship products Thomas’s Register of Manufacturers – search manufacturers for every conceivable product Ingrambook, Techdata – for electronics, books and DVDs Housewares, National Hardware Show – also consider attending local or state fairs ExpoEast, ExpoWest – for consumables and vitamin products Finding public domain information to repurpose Speak with an IP attorney first.If anyone modifies 20% of something in the public domain, it becomes theirs and you can’ t use it. Project Gutenberg – lots of books in public domain Librivox – audiobooks in the public domain for free download Recording Seminars Hot Recorder NoCost Conference- provides a 800-number conference line and recording Jing Project, DimDim, Camtasia – to record your screen for tutorials Licensing ideas to others for royalties InventRight – Highly recommended. Stephen Key comes up with idea, files a provisional patent for 200$ and lets another company do the work. He shows how to do. Guthy Renker – submit your product, get 2-4%. They are huge. Searching patents for unexploited ideas to turn into products United States Patent and Trademark (uspto.gov) Licensable Technologies Developed at Universities (autm.net -> Technology Transfer Offices) Inventors Groups and Associations – call and ask if they have anything to license (uiausa.org/resources/in) Becoming an expert Stop swimming upstream and let them come to you ProfNet – journalists looking for experts PR Leads HARO (Help a Reporter Out) PR Web Direct – dead for lots of purposes but allows you to go to the top of Google News and Yahoo News Expert Click – this is another secret of the PR pros. Put up your profile, receive top media contacts, send free press releases to 12,000 journalists and be seen by 5 million people. This is how I got on NBC and ended up developing a prime-time TV show. Use “Tim Ferris $100” for discount. Step 3 – Micro-test your products before you make them Don’t ask people if they would buy. Ask them to buy. Do not charge customers if you cannot send a product as it is illegal. Don’t write 3 to 4 weeks delivery so you can make the product once they pay, it is also illegal. The basic test consists of 3 parts: Best: look at the competition and make a more-compelling offer on a basic 1-3pages-website (should take you 3 hours) Use Google Adwords Keyword Tool, Wordtracker and SEOBook Keyword Tool. Look at the 3 websites that appear in the top search and PPC positions. Differentiate yourself using: Credibility indicators (media, academia, associations, testimonials) A better guarantee A better selection Free or faster shipping Keep all the advertising that compells you to visit a website (eg. “The Fastest Way to Learn a Language Guaranteed (Rosetta Stone)” can become “The Fastest Way to Increase Power and Speed Guarantee”) Test: use Google Adwords : 3 hours to set it up, 5 days to observe Set up a bid on eBay with a minimum price. Cancel it at the last second Buy a registrar on Domain In Seconds Create your page with Weebly Add a form with Wufoo If the visitor confirms order, he gets a page “Sorry, we are currently on back order but we will contact you as soon as we have the product in stock. Thank you for your patience” Set up Google Adword campaign to test headlines. Daily budget: 50USD a day (first visit adwords.google.com/onlinebusiness) Use Google analytical tools to track orders and page abandonment rates Create several ads with only one variable changing (the url, the headline, etc) for Google to rotate Disable the “keep best-performing ad” feature- you need to combine the clickthrough rate of every ad and combine all the elements into one final ad Don’t use “free” as you get people who are not your target Invest or Divest If numbers add up, set up a Yahoo Store for (($ a month Use Paypal to accept credit card online instead of opening a merchant account at your bank If you have a high abandonment rate on the pricing page, offer a “2x money-back guarantee” if these shirts aren’t the most comfortable they have every worn Or set up merchant account at your bank and process credit cards through Authorize.net Get a small display ad at 50% off in a magazine (30% for being a first-timer and 20% from citing another competing newspaper) You can put a toll-free number on the ad that forwards to your cell phone. This allows you to know what questions to put in your FAQ and test a “buy 2, get 1 free” offer. Comfort Challenge: reject first offers and walk away (3 days) Read “How to get 700,000 of advertising for 10,000”. 2 hours a day from Saturday to Monday, go to a small independent retailer or outdoor event where goods are sold. Try to get 150$ worth for 100$ (try to have many small items than a few big ones) Negotiate near closing time, choose your objective price, make a firm offer with cash in hand (this is a Jedi mind trick). Call newspapers, go as low as possible and call them back later to say your proposal was refused by upper management. Get used to refusing offers. Sample page PX Method – sales template page Website creation Weebly- takes 2 hours and is SEO-friendly Wordpress - Bluehost – hosting Creating Forms with or without payment Wufoo Company formation LLCs and S-Corps are better for small businesses. I also have a C-corporation (to issue stock to investors) Legal Zoom – all legal documents you need Corporate Creations – domestic and overseas company formation Selling downloadable products E-junkie Lulu – print-on-demand, manufcature and fulfillment. Offers distribution through Amazon and other outlets CreateSpace – subsidiary of Amazon that offers distribution of video on demand and books ClickBank – integrated access to affiliates selling your product Market Sizing Google Adwords Keyword Tool SEOBook Keyword Tool – searches powered by Wordtracker Domain Registration Domain In Seconds – I have registered more than 100 domains through this service Joker, GoDaddy Inexpensive hosting services I recommend having a backup provider. Put your pages on each host and sign up with no-ip.com, which can redirect traffic (DNS) to the backup in 5 minutes instead of 24 hours. 1and1, Bluehost, Rackpage, Hosting.com Royalty-free material IStockphoto GettyImages – this is where pros go. I pay 150-400$ for most images I use in national print campaigns and the quality is outstanding Email signup and autoresponders Aweber, Mailchimp End-to-end solutions with payment processing Shopify – handles everything but you will need to set up a payment-processing service Yahoo Store – 40 USD a month and 1.5% per transaction Ebay store – 15-500USD per month plus eBay fees Simple payment for testing pages Paypal for Merchants – no monthly fees, 2-3% of transaction (called “discount rate”) + 0.30$ Google Checkout – get10$ for each 1$ spent on Adwords, 2% and 0.20$ per transaction. Free transaction for nonprofits Authorize.net - accept credit card. Lower fees but require merchant account. Only set it up after your product has tested succesfully with other options Web Analytics Google Analytics CrazyEgg – to see where people click the most on your page. Useful to reposition the most important links and buttons. Don’t guess what is working, measure it. Clicktracks, WebTrends A/B Testing software Google Website Optimizer – free. I used it to increase signups by 20% Offermatica Vertster Optimost Toll-free numbers Tollfree Max, Kall8 – take 5 minutes to set up, can forward to your phone and manage responders by email. Checking competitiors’ site Compete, Quantcast, Alexa Freelance designers and programmers 99designs, Crowdspring, eLance, Craigslist Other tools Remember the Milk – daily tasks Freshbooks – online invoicing Highrise – online CRM PBwiki – collect notes and ideas FogBugz on Demand – bug tracker but you can use it for personal tasks, can keep track of your mail Amazon Mechanical Turk – to have hundreds of people doing small bits of defined work The fastest way to market with a product idea: Registera Get hosting from dathorn, set up site, buy now button and see how many sales you would have achieved. Use Google ads to drive traffic, calculate theoretical ROI. If after 2 weeks it becomes an interesting ROI, create or outsource the product, set up a working Paypal account and email prospective buyers. Removing yourself from the equation Contract outsourcing companies or freelancers. Give them permission to solve problems with each other and to make inexpensive decisions without consulting you first (I started with 100 USD and then 400 USD after 2 months) Phase 1: answer all e-mail and save your responses in Customer Service Questions document Phase 2: more than 10 units shipped a week. Look for companies offering “fulfillment services” and “mailing services” in the yellow pages. Go to mfsanet.org to find them. Call local printers and ask them for recommendations. Choose one who will agree not to charge you setup fees and monthly minimums (usually they are the smallest). If this isn’t possible, ask for 50% off both and ask that the setup fee be applied as an advance against shipping or other fees. Limit the candidates to those who can respond to order status email or phone calls from customers. Send them the document you wrote in phase 1. Tell them you need the cash for advertising, which will bring more shipments. Put different companies in competition. Before making the final selection, ask for at least 3 client references. Ask them: “I understand they are good, but everyone has weaknesses. If you had to point out where you have had some issues and what they are not the best at, what would you say? Could you describe an incident or disagreement? I expect that with all companies, so it’s no big deal, and it’s confidential of course. After one month of using their services, ask for “net-30 terms” = payment for services 30 days after they are rendered. It’s easier to negotiate this with smaller operations who need the business. Have your contract manufacturer ship product directly to the fulfillment house, put their email and phone number Phase 3: more than 20 units shipped per week. Call end-to-end fulfilment houses than handle it all, from order status to returns and redunds. Ask them for referrals to call centers and credit card processors that they have collaborated with. Do not assemble an architecture of strangers, they will create mistakes. Setup an account with the credit card processor first. You will need your own merchant account. This is critical, as the fulfillment house can only handle refunds and declined cards for transactions that they process themselves through an outsourced credit card processor. Optionally, set up an account with one of the call centers your new fulfillment center recommends. They will often have toll-free numbers you can use. Look at the percentage split of online to phone orders during testing and consider carefully if the extra revenue from the latter is worth the hassle. It often isn’t. Those who call to order will generally order online if given no other option. Before signing on with a call center, get several 800 numbers they answer for current clients and make test calls. Call each number at least 3 times (morning, afternoon and evening) and note the wait time. Fewer options = more revenue The guy who offered 1 watch outsold 6 times the guy who offered 9. Ford only sold black cars. Serving the customer is not becoming a personal concierge and catering to their every whim and want. Customer service is providing an excellent product at an acceptable price and solving legitimate problems in the fastest manner possible. That’s it. To reduce service overhead: Offer 1 or 2 purchase options (eg. Basic and premium) Offer only one shipping option, or basic and premium again Do not offer overnight or expedited shipping, as this will produce hundreds of anxious phone calls (you can refer them to a reseller who does, though) Do all orders online, not phone Do not offer international shipments (complicated and brings tariffs issue) All these points allow you for the biggest time-saver: customer filtering. Not all customers are equal Look at the customer as an equal trading partner and not as an infallible blessing of a human being to be pleased at all costs. Be professional but never kowtow to unreasonable people. Do not accept Western Union or checks When you turn down Western Union of checks as a payment, you may lose 15% of sales, but you also get rid of the customers who bring 40% of the expenses and time. Those who spend the most complain the least. Raise wholesale minimums to 12-100 units and require a tax ID number to qualify resellers who are real businesspeople and not time-intensive novices. Never negotiate pricing or approve lower pricing for higher-volume orders. Cite “company policy” due to having problems in the past Offer lower-priced products instead of fee products to capture contact information for follow-up sales. Offering something for free is the best way to attract time-eaters and spend money on those unwilling to return the favor. Make your customer base an exclusive club and treat them well once they have been accepted. The Lose-Win guarantee: the best “Satisfied or your money back” isn’t enough. People want more than risk elimination now. “Delivered in 30 minutes or it’s free” (Domino’s Pizza) “If you don’t like Cialis, we’ll pay for a brand of your choice” “if your car is stolen, we will pay 500$ of your insurance deductible” (CLUB, anti-theft device) “110% guaranteed to work within 60 minutes of the first dose” (money-back + check for 10%) “It works or you get a full refund and get to keep it” “If these shirts aren’t the most comfortable ever, return them and get twice your money back. And each shirt is guaranteed for life- send it back and we will replace it free of charge” How to Look Fortune 500 in 45 minutes Don’t be CEO or founder. Be vice-president, director, director of sales, duriector of business development. For negotiation purposes, it is also best not to appear as the decision-maker Put multiple email and phone contacts on the website: hr, sales, general inquiries, wholesale distribution, media/PR, investors, web comments, order status. In Phase 3, they will forward to different outsourcers. You can also do the same for toll-free numbers. Setup an IVR (Interactive Voice Response) receptionist “Thank you for calling ___, please say the name of the person or department you would like to reach” This costs 30$ and 10 minutes on angel.com Do not provide home addresses You will get visitors if you do. If you have an end-to-end fulfillment house than can accept checks and money orders, use theirs. Or use a PO Box, but remove “PO Box” and use the street of the post office itself. “PO Box 555, Nowhere” becomes “Suite 555, 1234 Downtown Avenue” Virtual receptionist and IVR Angel.com - takes 5 minutes. Incredible Ring Central – toll free number, voicemail, fax, all online DVD Duplication, Packaging AVC Corporation SF Video Local fulfillment (less than 20 units a week) Mailing Fulfillment Service Association – msfanet.org End-to-end fulfillment (more than 20 units a week + 500$ setup) Motivational Fulfillment Innotrac Moulton Fulfillment – real-time online inventory reports Call centers LiveOps West Teleservices – all the high-volume and lowprice players use them Nexrep – home-based sales agents specializing in B2B and B2C Triton Technology – commission-only sales center, known for their incredible closing abilities. Don’t call unless your product sells at least for 100$. Centerpoint Teleservices – sales force who convert ads to real sales Stewart Response Group – sales-driven. High-touch boutique Credit card processors (merchant account through your bank necessary) They can interact with fulfilment to remove you from the flowchart Transfirst Payment Processing Chase Paymenttech Trust Commerce Powerpay Affiliate Program Software My Affiliate Program Discount Media Buying Agencies If you go to a magazine, radio station, or TV channel and pay the rate card (the retail pricing first given), you will never make it big. Some ad agencies offer up to 90% discount on some media. Manhattan Media (print) Novus Print Media – relationships with 1400 magazine and newspaper publishers, average of 80% rate card. Mercury Media – largest private DR media agency in the US. Specialists in TV but can also hndle radio and print EURO RSCG – one of the worldwide leaders in DRTV media Canella Media Response TV – uses the “per-inquiry” model for compensation where you split order profits instead of paying for time upfront. It is more expensive but lowers upfront invesment. Marketing Architects – leaders on the radio DR, a bit expensive Radio Direct - Online Marketing and Research Firms Small: SEMPO Medium: Clicks2Customers, Working Planet Pro: MarketingExperiments (this is my team), Did-It, ROI Revolution, iProspect Full-service informercial producers Cost at least 15K and 50K for a long form infomercial Cesari Direct Hawthorne Direct Script-to-Screen Retail and International product distribution To hit the shelves of Walmart or biggest retailers in Japan Tristar Products – they also own their own production studio and can offer end-to-end services in addition to retail distribution BJ Direct – Celebrity brokers To have a celebrity endorse your product. It can cost less than you think. The best pitcher in Major League Baseball only costs 20K$ a year. CelebBrokers Celebrity Endorsement Contact Any Celebrity – to contact them yourself - You can also find Facebook groups related to your group and ask the admins to put a link in the group description. Step 4: Liberation Step 1: Increase investment. The company needs to invest as much as possible in you so the loss is greater if you quit Step 2: call in sick on a Tuesday and Wednesday and showcase your remote working productivity (not Friday as it look as if you’re trying to go on a long weekend). Install GoToMyPC so you can control your office computer from home. Step 3: document all the extra work you were able to do Step 4: propose a revocable trial period “So here is the funny part, I thought I would get nothing done, but ended up finishing 3 more designs than usual on both days. Plus, I put in three more billable hours than usual without the commute, office noise, distractions, etc. Just as a trial, I'd like to propose working from home Mondays and Tuesdays for just 2 weeks. You can veto in whenever you want. And I'll come in if we need to do meetings, but I’d like to try for 2 weeks and review the results. I’m 100% confident I’ll get twice as much done. Does that seem reasonable? “What if you need to share designs” “I’ll use GotoMyPC. What do you think? Test it out stating next Monday and see how much more I get done?” (-> once you have addressed an objection, go for the close) Offer 2 days. 5 days is too much at first. If they say no, you can propose 1 day. Step 5: expand remote time. Set up a meeting, detail increased productivity. Suggest to amp it up to 4 days (3 days if they say no). “I’d like to suggest, if you think it makes sense, that I try four days a week for another 2-week trial”. Try to spend Friday in the office, people are more relaxed and leave early. “I don’t know, it seems you are going to leave us” “Good points. First, to be honest, I was close to quitting before with all the interruptions and commute and whatnot, but I’m actually feeling great now with the change in routine (-> indirect threat) Second, no one should be allowed to work remotely unless they can show increased productivity, and I’m the perfect experiment. It lowers costs for the office, increases productivity and makes employees happier. Can I test it out for two weeks and come in Fridays to take care of the office stuff? I will still document everything and you, of course, have the right to change your mind at any point” Step 6: after one month, request a full-time remote trial of 2 weeks while you are “visiting relatives out of state” It is better to ask that when the company is in the middle of a project that requires your expertise and you are prepared to quit if they refuse. Just as you want to negotiate ad prices close to deadlines, getting what you want often depends more on when you ask rather than how you ask it. An alternative : the hourglass approach Use a preplanned project or family emergency that requires you take 1 or 2 weeks away from the office (family issue, personal issue, relocation, home repairs) - this also prevents the boss from calling you to the office Say you would prefer to work instead of taking vacation days Propose how you can work remotely and offer, if necessary, to take a py cut for that period if the performance isn’t to par. Allow the boss to collaborate on how to do it so that he or she is invested in the process Make the 2 weeks off the most productive period you have had at work. Show the boss the quantifiable results. Suggest 2 or 3 days at home per week as a trial for 2 weeks. Make those days ultra-productive Suggest only 1 or 2 days in the office per week Make these days the least productive Suggest complete mobility. The boss will go for it. Learn how to respond to “no” What would I need to do? Under what circumstances would you accept? I’m sure you have made an exception before, haven’t you? Remote tools EarthClassMail – they receive, scan, mail and shred your documents GreenByPhone – to process checks electronically Killing your job Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer. (Machiavelli, The Prince) Being able to quit things that don’t work is integral to being a winner. Going into a project or job without defining when worthwhile becomes wasteful is like going into a casino without a cap on what you will gamble: dangerous and foolish. Don’t confuse the complex with the difficult. Most situations are simple. They are just emotionally difficult to act upon. The problem and the solution are usually obvious and simple. It’s not that you don’t know what to do. Of course you do. You are just terrified that you might end up worse off than you are now. If you are afraid of not being able to pay bills, then have a new job or source of cash flow before quitting your current job. If you are afraid it is going to affect you resume, you can always say “I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do [exotic and envy-producing experience] and couldn’t turn it down. I figured that with 30 years of work to go, what is the rush?” If you are afraid of job-hopping, remember that the one determinant of sex appeal to good employers is performance. It doesn’t matter if you jump ship from a bad company after 3 weeks if you are a rock start when it comes to results. But tolerating a punishing work environment for years is a game not worth winning. Only those who are asleep do not make mistakes (Ingvar Kamprad) Considering options I-resign – provides resignation letters, job hunting advice and non-quitting options Opening retirement accounts Franklin Templeton American Funds Doing your own investing Fidelity Investments Vanguard Health Insurance for Self Employed or Unemployed Ehealthinsurance AETNA Kaiser Permanente American Community Mutual Mini-retirements Instead of taking your retirement in 30 years, take it now and distribute it throughout your life instead of saving it all for the end. Relocate to a place for 6 months Travelling cheap Airfare can be free if you use AMEX gold card and Chase Continental Airlines Mastercard Your student ID card can give you up to 40% discounts on transportation in Germany Use credit cards with reward points for large muse-related advertising and manufacturing expenses. This alone gets me a free round-trip international ticket every 3 months Tell the suppliers you will be travelling the world for a year. It will persuade them to accept credit cards rather than chase you around the planet. Get bank-issued credit card for all checking accounts. Give a trusted member of your family or your personal accountant power of attorney so they can sign documents in your name. If the resellers or distributors still send you checks (the fulfillment house should handle customer checks at this point), either give the resellers direct bank deposit information (best), or have the fulfillment house handle these checks (2nd best choice) or have the resellers pay via paypal or mail checks to one of the people are entrust with power of attorney (far 3rd). Muses are often expensive in advertising and manufacturing. Say “rather than trying to negotiate you down on pricing, I just ask that you accept payment by credit card. If you can do that, we will choose you over Competitor X” Purchase tickets 3 months or more in advance or last minute. Aim for both departure and return between Tuesday and Thursday Unclutter your life There are tons of things in your home and life that you don’t use, need or even particularly want. Whether you are aware of it or not, this clutter creates indecision and distractions, consuming attention and making unfettered happiness a real chore. Brainstorming travel locations Virtual Tourist – one-stop shopping for mini-retirements Escape Artist – to get a 2nd passport, Swiss banking, etc How to be Jason Bourne, fourhourblog.com Outside Magazine archives GridSkipper – for cities Thorn Tree Lonely Planet Family Travel Forum – to travel with your family US Department of State Country Profiles World Travel Watch – a must-see before finalizing plans US Department of State Worldwide Travel Warnings Planning and Preparation Perpetual Travel – lifesaving FAQ Traveling cheap Orbitz, Kayak, Sidestep TravelZeoo top 20 – last-minute deals Priceline – bidding on plane tickets CFares 1800FlyEurope Housing short term Couchsurfing, HospitalityClub, GlobalFreeloaders Housing long term Otalo – vacation rentals Hostels.com HotelChatter Craigslist – if you have a helper, they shouldn’t mention you are a foreigner until pricing is agreed Interhome International Rentvillas.com Telephone Vonage, Ooma VoIP Buster, RebTel – cheaper than skype International multiband phones MyWorldPhone World Electronic USA SatPhoneStore – for satellite phones Frustration and doubts People say that what we are seeking is a meaning for life. I do not think this is what we are really seeking. I think what we are seeking is an experience of being alive (Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth) What man needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task (Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning) I often transport a skill I practice domestically – martial arts- to other countries where they are also practiced. Instant social life and camaraderie. It need not be a competitive sport – it could be hiking, chess or almost anything that keeps your nose out of a textbook and you out of your apartment. Sports just happen to be excellent for avoiding foreign-language stage fright and developing lasting friendships. Service for the right reasons Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike (Oscar Wilde) Do not become a cause snob. How can you help starving children in Africa when there are some in LA? The truth is that the downstream effects of your action are unknown. Do your best and hope for the best Charities Charity Navigator Firstgiving – allows you to create an online fundraising page Networkforgood Volunteering Hands on Disaster Response Verge Magazine – lots of volunteering case studies Project Hope Relief International International Relief Teams Airline Ambassadors International Ambassadors for Children Relief Riders International Habitat for Humanity Global Village Program Planeta Global Listings for Practical Ecotourism How to choose one Ask yourself: What makes you angry about the state of the world? What are you most afraid of for the next generation? What makes you happiest in life? How to revisit your dreamlines What are you good at? What could you be the best at? What excites you? What makes you feel accomplished and good about yourself? What are you most proud of having accomplished in your life? What do you enjoy experiencing with other people? What did you dream of being when you were a kid? Perhaps it is time to sign up for space camp or intern as an assistant to a marine biologist. The New Rich mistakes Losing sight of their dreams and falling into work for work’s sake Micromanaging the emailing to fill time Handling problems your outsourcers or co-workers can handle Helping outsourcers or co-workers with the same problem more than once, or with non-crisis problems Chasing customers when you have sufficient cash flow to finance your nonfinancial pursuits Answering email that will not result in a sale Working where you sleep and live You should designate a single space for work and solely work, or you will never be able to escape it Not performing a thorough 80/20 analysis every 2 to 4 weeks for their business and personal life Striving for endless perfection Checking email “just for one minute” Any problem in your inbox will linger for daysm rendering your free time useless. It is the worst of states, where you experience neither relaxation not productivity. Focus on work on fun, never in-between. Forget to ask themselves: “what is the one goal that could change everything, if completed?” When you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself “am I having a breakdown or a breakthrough?” Most of the time, it is better to keep old goals that to set up new ones Traveling easily ClearMe - a biometric travel card, allows you to cut lines in airports Read The Entrepreneurial Imperative The choice-minimal lifestyle The more options you consider, the more buyer’s regret you will have. The more options you consider, the less fulfilling your outcome will be. Therefore, do not provoke deliberation before you can take action. Do not read your emails on Friday evening as you will spend the weekend stressing on problems you can’t fix before Monday Do not postpone decisions. Instead of “I will tell you next week”, say “I am pretty sure I can’t. Let’s assume I cannot make it, but I will let you know if that changes, ok?” Make reversible decisions as quickly as possible Do not consider options for more than 20 minutes. Do not consider more than 3 options. Set finance thresholds – if it costs less than 100$, I will let the virtual assistant make the judgement call. Try a no-complain experiment: for 21 days, every time you complain, your bracelet changes hands. The Not-to do list: habits to stop now Do not answer calls from unrecognized phone numbers Do not email in the morning or last thing at night One of your critical to-do items must be completed before 10. Do not agree to meetings with no clear agenda. And they should last no longer than 30 minutes Do not let people ramble “I am in the middle of getting something out, but what is going on?” Do not check email constantly. Batch it at set times only Do not overcommunicate with low-profit, high-maintenance customers The 20% that create 80% of your problems should be put on autopilot with autoresponders Prioritize Set the most important task for each day- you will see that almost nothing seems urgent. Most of the time, it only costs a small fee to be late. Do not carry a phone 24-7. Once a week, completely disconnect. Reaching profitability in 3 months The goal of a startup should be simple: profit in the least time with the least effort. Not more customers, or more revenue, not more offices or more employees. More profit. Niche is the new big Also, it is sometimes possible to niche market and mass sell, because non-target customers want to identify with your target customers. iPods were for 20-30 year-olds but everyone until 50 bought them because they wanted to look cool. No one aspires to be bland average, so don’t' water down the message to appeal everyone- it will end up appealing to no one. What gets measured gets managed Calculate CPO – cost-per-order, including advertising, fulfillment, expected returns, charge-backs, ad allowable (the maximum you can spend on an advertisement and expect to break even), MER (media efficiency ratio) LV – projected lifetime value, given return rates and reorder percent Plan distribution first Less is more – limit distribution to increase profit More distribution isn’t always better. Uncontrolled distribution leads to all manner of headache and profit-bleeding, most often related to rogue discounters. Remember the goals isn’t more customers but more profit Create demand vs offering terms Focus on creating user-end demands so you can dictate terms. Most rules are just common practice. Don’t offer payment terms just because others do. It is the most consistent ingredient in startup failure. Cite startup economics and “company policy” as reasons for prepayment and apologize but do not make exceptions. Or else, net-30 becomes net-60 and net-120. Repetition is usually redundant Good advertising works the first time. Use direct response advertising (call to action) that is uniquely trackable. Cancel anything that cannot be justified with a trackable ROI Sacrifice margin for safety Don’t manufacture in large quantities unless your product is tested and ready for rollout without changes Make others negotiate against themselves Never be the first one to say a number. “Is it really the best you can offer?” will result in one more drop in price. Go really low and say “I’ll tell you what. Let’s just split the difference. I’ll overnight FedEx you a check and we can call it a day” Once per week, look which 20% are bringing 80% of the results or problems Fire high-maintenance customers What if my largest customer takes all of my time? Recognize that without time you cannot scale your company or your life. And that even good people will sometimes abuse your time to the extent that you allow them. Set good rules for all involved to minimize back-and-forth and meaningless communication. Deadlines come before details Perfect products delivered late kill companies faster than decent product delivered on time. How to never check mail again Have multiple email addresses for specific types of email 99% of email goes into predetermined categories of enquiries with set responses. My assistants check and clear the inbox at 11 am at 3 pm For the 1% of email that require my action, I have a once-daily phone call with my assistant from 4 to 4.10pm If I am busy travelling, my assistant read them to me on my voicemail and I answer by mail If meetings must be taken, batch them on one day with 15 minutes between meetings. If you jump in your assistant’s inbox and answer anything, BCC them so they are aware that you handled it. Before hiring a VA, test 3 of them to do something in a deadline of 24 hours. Then use a 2-4 weeks probation period Tim Ferris Processing rules for VAs Deadlines are extremely important. Be aware of them and be punctual If Tim says “call me back”, call him back! Don’t use email as he might be travelling Even if it is late, call him Read The Elements of Style regarding proper grammar and punctuation We are dealing with high-profile clients on Tim’s behalf and the proper writing techniques and message says a lot about his team Become as familiar as you can with his book and his website as to answer questions accordingly If someone wants to “jump on the phone with me”, send them something like “To make the best use of everyone’s time, Tim likes to have a well-defined agenda with objectives for a call before jumping on the phone. Can you please send over some bullet points with what you would like to cover and decide on the call?” When Tim types “dictate” in the email response, this means we can say “As Tim is traveling at the moment and not able to personally respond to your email, I mentioned him your message while on the phone and he asked me to dictate. “ This makes the process easier as we do not have to change the context of the person responding. No need for “Tim says that he ---” Tim’s address is XXX – this email is not to be distributed or given to anyone. If you want Tim on an email, please Bcc him so that it remains private. When booking appointments in the calendar, write down which topics they would like to discuss and put them in the description so Tim can prepare Put your initials in the subject line of calendar events so we know which VA put the item. Prepare inquiries for Tim before sending to him for his review – their Alexa ranking, possible dates of an event, link to past events they have held, their budget, other confirmed speakers, etc. Then send this info to Tim Speaking enquiries can be responded this way: “Thanks for your email and invitation to Tim. I see that the event is April 7-8 in Portland. Before I present this to Tim, could you answer the following questions so we can make an informed decision? Would you like Tim to be at the entire event? How long would the presentation be? Or would it be a Q&A panel? Do you cover travel and accommodation along with a speaker’s fee? What is your budget for keynote presentations? Have any other speakers confirmed to be present? As soon as I hear back, I can speak with Tim about the possibilities of making this happen. Thanks! Books to read The Magic of Thinking Big (David Schwartz) - super book of many super-performers worldwide How to Make Millions with your Ideas (Dan Kennedy) - converting ideas into millions The E-Myth Revisited (Michael Gerber) Thinking like a monk The Monk and the Riddle (Randy Komisar) - a Silicon Valley wizard using razor-sharp philosophies The 80/20 Principle (Richard Koch) - historical and mathematical support for the 80-20 principle Muse Creation and related skills Harvard Business School Case Studies (click “school cases”) - There is a case study for very problem, every situation and business model This Business Has Legs (peter Bieler) How Bieler went from 0 to 100 million in 2 years Secrets of Power Negotiating (Roger Dawson) Response Magazine How-to articles to increase salles per call, lower media costs, improve fulfillment, etc The best outsourcers in the business also advertise in this magazine. Excellent resource Jordan Whitnet Greensheet Dissects the most successful product campaigns, including offers, pricing, guarantees and ad frequencies. Highly recommended Small Giants: Companies that Choose to be Great Instead of Big (Bo Burlingham)
  3. Larry King - How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere The first time I had to speak in the microphone at the radio, nothing came out of my mouth. Three times. The manager kicked the door open and yelled “This is a communication business!”. I said “Good morning, this is my first day every on radio. I have always wanted to be on air. I have been practicing all weekend. Fifteen minutes ago, they gave me a new name. I had a theme song ready to play. But my mouth is dry, I am nervous. And the general manager just kicked the door open and said This is a communications business” Honesty Let listeners share your experience and how you feel. If someone grabbed you from the street and put you in front of a microphone, what would you say? I would say “Someone just grabbed me front the street, handed me papers and told me ‘You’re on’” Will Rogers once said “Everyone is ignorant, just on different subjects”. And everyone has at least one thing they like to talk about. Reveal information about yourself, where you come from, what you like and dislike. If I were a stutterer, I would share that. I would say “It’s n-n-n-nice to meet you, my n-n-n-name is Larry King. I have this problem of stuttering but I am happy to talk to you.” Breaking the ice Even if they are stars, they will enjoy the conversation more if you are enjoying it too. Keep in mind most of them started as middle-class families too. And many of them are shy too. The WW2 veteran was extremely shy talking about his past, but had no problem talking about the present when Larry asked him: “What would you do if there were 5 planes in front of you, etc?” Openers It’s easier to break the ice with personal subjects, like children – worked very well for Al Gore, or situational openers about the environment: pictures on the wall, etc. Avoid yes/no questions Use: “what do you think?” “What are the chances that ...?” First rule of conversation: listen To be a good talker, you must be a good listener. Quayle was anti-abortion- King asked him what he would do if his daughter needed one. This led him to say he would support her. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie writes: “To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. A person’s toothache means more to someone right here and right now than millions dying in Africa” Body language It’s really important to make eye contact while listening. Social Talk The greatest question of all times: “why?” It is a great way of keeping the conversation interesting and lively. How to quarterback a conversation Choose a topic everyone can join in on Ask “what do you think?”, especially to the shy ones Don’t monopolize the conversation Use what-ifs / what would you do stories What if your dying friend gives you money for his son’s education, but your own son works harder. Would you spend the money on him? One minor in the cave is too far to squeeze through the hole- should he die so his friends can live? If you were invisible, what would you do... Pay attention to the physical setting Make sure guests are sitting close together Funerals Don’t say “I know how you must feel” or “This is such a tragedy”. It’s not up to you to gauge. Say “I’ll never forget when I was in hospital and he came to visit me” Or “Do you know he pulled the best prank I ever saw in high school?” Or “I’m sorry, we will really miss her” How to talk to celebrities Don’t say “I’ve been a fan of yours since I was a kid” or “My father used to take me to your shows” (implies they are old) or “I have always thought I could be an athlete too” (diminishes their accomplishment) Just approach them as normal people, they enjoy it like everyone. Do not only speak about what they are famous for. Try to speak about something else not related to their profession: talk to Woody Allen about the NY baseball team or Paul Newman about his charity work with kids. 8 things the best talkers have in common Successful people all have the ability to express themselves well. Truman wasn’t a great orator and spoke very little but he made himself clearly understood. They look at things from a new angle They have broad horizons Their childhood in Brooklyn becomes a window on an era in American history They are enthusiastic, show passion and interest They pick a topic they are passionate about: your kids, hobbies, charity They don’t talk about themselves all the time They are curious and ask why They empathize, try to put themselves in your shoes They have a sense of humor, and use it on themselves They have their own style of talking Edward Bennett Williams spoke very softly and forced you to lean forward to hear him, thus paying more attention. He was compelling, but never loud. Find your own style Trendy talk and political correctness Avoid pompous language. Remove “basically, like, uh, um” and “you know” from your vocabulary. Business talk The art of selling The 2 golden rules of sales: 1. know what you are selling 2. Once you have closed the deal, don’t keep selling Don’t sell the features of your product, sell the advantages. Don say this toaster has a microchip for doneness. Talk about sitting down for breakfast to a steaming cup o coffee and a golden-brown English muffin. Don’t; talk about the premiums and payout of the insurance policy. Talk about the security your client will feel and about the gratitude of his or her spouse and children in knowing that the cornerstone of their financial future is in place. In job intereviews, you should also ask questions. It shows you are prepared and that you care. If the company isn’t doing too well: “Which company would you like to look like? How do you plan to achieve that?”. And listen to the answers. Talking to the boss “I have the feeling that I could be doing my job more effectively. Could you help me understand what areas I should concentrate on?” “I am not sure I understand how to go about this project. It would help me if you could explain what steps I should be taking first.” Assistants Important people do everything through their assistants. Be extra polite to them, they can help a lot When negotiating Always try to negotiate from a position of strength even if the odds are stacked against you King and his friends were about to be expelled for pretending one of their classmates had died. His friend said “You will kill your career if you do that. You took the word of three 13-year-old boys and only called their house once before writing Deceased in your books. We may be suspended, but you are out of work.” and after a while: “Why don’t we forget the whole story?” Make it clear that you have other options Meetings Come prepared, with an agenda. Start on time. Be decisive Be firm - “sorry we have to move on to the next item” My Best and Worst Guests The best guests have 4 things: Passion for their work They explain things clearly and in an interesting way They have a chip on their shoulder, something bothering them They have a sense of humor Many leaders in government, business and entertainment have the self-assurance never to take themselves too seriously and not to stay serious too long. Sinatra liked to tell the story when a man asked him to greet him in front of his in-laws who were about to arrive. When he did so, the young man said “Fuck off, Frank, this is personal”. Empathy: when a mom called Danny Kaye on a radio show and said her son (who was a big fan) had been killed in the Korean War, he asked what the son’s favorite song was and sang it a capella for the mom. Presentations Speak about something you know. If you don’t know about the topic, (Israeli conflict), speak about your experience as a Jewish boy in Brooklyn. Tell them what you are going to tell them – it will be easier for them to follow Tell them Tell them what you told them Humor Never say “I’m going to tell you a joke” or “Something funny happened to me today” After the joke, connect it with a real topic Know your audience Hit them where they live. Before speaking you should ask: What is the organization? Who are the members? Where are they from? What are the big issues facing you? What would you like to hear about me? How long do you want me to talk? Will there be questions after I finish? Make sure they know you Especially if you make a joke about Jews when the audience doesn’t know you are Jewish too. Say something slightly offensive To a crowd of policemen: “Mr. X just spoke against crime so in accordance of the fairness doctrine, I will have to speak in favor of it. How many of you would like to live in Butte, Montana? They have the lowest crime rate ever, but nobody wants to live there. What are the top cities in America? LA, SF, et. The conclusion is crime is a tourist attraction. People go where crime is. And if we listen to Mr. X, we will wipe crime in America. And you all will be out of a job” Be brief Lincoln’s Gettysburg speech lasted only 5 minutes and is still remembered today. Kennedy and Churchill also practiced brevity Speaking on TV and radio It’s just a conversation. Make it personal. King asked Bush: “Do you dislike Bill Clinton?”, to Nixon: “When you drive by the Watergate, do you feel weird?” and Reagan: “What is it like to get shot?” When you are on the hot seat You should keep control of the conversation when you are being interviewed, whether it is an interview or a job interview. If you don’t remember, say so. But don’t lie. Ways to deflect: “It would be premature to answer that question now” “That is a hypothetical question and I don’t deal with hypothetical issues” If you are walking in an uncomfortable situation and have to do it anyway, be honest. During the Tylenol scandal, officials apologized and decided not to take a PR approach. They said something awful had indeed happened but the product remained safe, they had taken extraordinary precautions and people could continue buying it without fear. Stick with what makes you comfortable If you do not want to be interviewed, do not do it. Avoid negatives: “Listen, there are a billion people living in China, and tomorrow morning, none of them will know that I missed that baseball game” Slow yourself down It will tone down your voice and calm you down Being honest When inmates escaped from prison, the warden didn’t say “No comment”. He showed journalists around the cell, said they were investigating and making recommendations to prevent future escapes. Major win. When debating Never disrespect your opponent. Look at them in the eyes, remain firm in your responses, never lose your cool. Look relaxed and confident. Speak with assurance. Show you are primed and ready for debate.
  4. Sandra Wilson – Released from Shame Rules in Unhealthy Families Be Blind To your own perception of reality Even children old enough to care for themselves fear the painful emotional abandonment they experience when they fail to live by their family rules, including “be blind”. So, children learn to surrender their own perceptions. Parental distortion of reality is actually a form of intellectual child abuse. As adults, these intellectually abused children might seek endless validation of every decision. 2. To role reversals Unhealthy families are populated by “adultified” children and “childified” adults. In these homes, parents often use their children to meet distorted needs for power, nurturing even sexual gratification, while the children’s needs are ignored. Be Quiet In public When interacting with the outside world, impaired parents model the family’s top priority: looking perfect. Be Numb To feelings Dysfunctional families both stimulate strong emotions and block their expression. Children in these families seem to develop a kind of “emotional leprosy” or numbness that allows them to block out their confusing, often overwhelming feelings. Very early, children realize that their parents cannot tolerate displays of anger, sadness, fear or pain. Expressions of those emotions betray the family secret that all is not perfect. Therefore, disturbing emotions become enemies to be feared and eventually numbed and repressed. Adults who repress emotions often are unable to answer the question “How do you feel about that?” with anything more specific than “I don’t know”. To personal boundaries Without healthy boundaries, we will not know when we are being invaded or abused. Be Careful Depending on their degrees of personal impairment, parents create families that their children experience as unpredictable, chaotic or unsafe. Be Good In unhealthy families, the word good, when applied to children, is actually a code word for “perfect”. A “good child”: Never inconveniences parents Never embarrasses or disappoints parents Never has personal needs Knows how to do everything correctly without being taught Never has a critical thought Never loses (except when competing with a parent) Does everything parents ask (instantly, perfectly and joyfully, of course) The more troubled the family in which you were raised, the more difficult it will be for you to remember the whole picture, because you might have been taught that “good” children only remember happy times. And you have always wanted to be good. Abuse and Shaming in Unhealthy Families Overtly abusive parents thrust their children into adulthood with gaping wounds that leave the children vulnerable to further abuses. Father Hunger If you are a woman with father hunger, you might be starved for attention from men, especially older men in positions of authority. Hooking the Shame In overtly and subtly abusive families, parents use “shame loops” by using emotional or verbal pressure on their children. For example: Negative comparisons that make the child feel different and less than others Redefining respect Respect your elders is actually a code word for “Do everything older relatives tell you to do and ask no questions”. It’s an extremely effective way to control older children in unhealthy families. It requires any attempts from the children to separate appropriately from their parents and develop their own individuality to be redefined as “disrespecting your elders”. “Growing down” is the phenomenon when you are 20, 35 or 50 when you return to your parents’ home and emerge 3 days later feeling like you are 8 again. This feeling can be triggered by “loyalty tests” parents put on you. Eg. “How can you do X when you know we always do Y?” “always” is the verbal hook to test your sense of family loyalty and pressure you into mindless obedience to any spoken or unspoken parental pattern. In such families, children still feel like walking on eggshells around their parents. They may remember there is only one way to do anything and it’s your father’s way, of course. In some families, “respect” actually means” do not express any opinion or preference that differs from your father’s or he will explode and it will be all your fault that the day is ruined.” And since it is simply expected of you that you respect your elders, you probably don’t even get any praise for god performance tapdancing through a mine field. Understanding Consequences and Change The consequences of binding shame are numerous: Existence Guilt, Abandonment and Perfectionism Children fear abandonment. They believe that is all they deserve for being so fatally flawed by imperfection. Is there any hope of maintaining a relationship with other people? Of course – we have to pretend to be perfect too! Self-Shaming It is expressed by inner commentaries on our consistent failures. Hopelessness and Self-Protection Perfectionism is often the chosen means of self-protection and the cycle of shame continues. Released from Shaming Our Flaws Ways out: committing to the truth. Realizing that your past influences you but it doesn’t have to control you. Without realizing it, many abused children love most of their life making choices based on shame and self-protection. They shame themselves and administer punishment for the crime of imperfection. We imprison ourselves in the dungeons of self-hatred and hopelessness. Something Missing Victims of abuse have lots of memory gaps referring to experiences they had as a child but conveniently forgot in order to benefit the family system. Skill gaps also exist: in poorly functioning homes, parents were too distressed and distracted to provide basic knowledge and experiences regarding problem solving, basic nutrition or appropriate social behavior. Children were supposed to know these things without being taught. As small adults they were expected to organize a term paper, cook or resolve conflict correctly the first time around. You might be shaming yourself for being stupid when in reality you are very bright and creative. What you are labeling as stupidity is actually the sense of confusion commonly experienced by adults who never had the opportunity as children to try and learn lots of basic things. The Mask of Perfectionism Most adults from troubled families conclude early in life that it is dangerous to let the real mistake-making me show. So we fashion disguises, masks of perfection. These masks are extremely cumbersome and ill-fitting. Everything is a life-or-death, must-win situation. As perfectionists, we can’t tolerate criticism from others in any form, so we react defensively and alienate those close to us. This only reinforces our belief that we must be perfect to be accepted and loved. Perfectionists are often rewarded for their life-crushing compulsion. We might look like butterflies to others but we know we are really just caterpillars. Fortunately, no one has noticed yet. Many experienced the Imposter phenomenon. Every time they get an official-looking letter from Ministry headquarters, they are afraid they are going to be fired for incompetence. Released from Shaming Our Feelings When Feelings Seem Disobedient, Disloyal and Dangerous If you grew up in families where feelings were a luxury we couldn't afford, we still may be living emotionally impoverished lives in an attempt to be loyal. but even be on the discomfort of experiencing ourselves as disobedient and disloyal, we might experience feeling strong emotions as dangerous. In extremely troubled families, children learn that strong feelings usually directly and immediately cause harmful behavior. If our only adult models express emotions violently, we will think the only outcome of experiencing a strong feeling is destructively expressing that feeling. Fear of Abandonment most of us never see how fear of Abandonment rather lives. Sometimes you want to say no but you are afraid. Why is saying no so bad? Your friend might not like the fact that you're not going to her party. Why is that so bad? You would be alone. Loneliness is one of the trigger events for fear of abandonment. If children experience abandonment with enough frequency and intensity in childhood, it becomes a significant trauma which will mark the adult child's life with a strong fear of re-experiencing any reminder of abandonment. Fear of feelings and needs Adults raised in poorly functioning families are often described as compulsive controllers. They often try to supervise and regulate every detail of their own and others’ behaviors. Since we went through childhood with little or no control, it is as if they have silently vowed “Never again.” If this is your style, you are what has been called an external controller. if you do not appear to be controlling, you might be an internal controller, dedicated to extinguishing any awareness of your personal needs by withholding your feelings. Impaired parents are so absorbed with their own needs that they do not have any emotional energy to meet their children's needs. It is too painful and scary for these children to consistently have their legitimate needs unmet, so they try to be need-free. If your early years included parent abuse and consistent emotional abandonment, you experience the betrayal of trust that deeply lacerated your life. When parents betray and reject you, grief might threaten to overwhelm. As a child, you had to repress the sorrow to survive. As an adult, you might still useful and shame this sadness to protect yourself from emotional pain and to project an image of being strong, in control and mature. “I'm angry all the time”, said the son of rigid and perfectionist parents. “I don't think I have ever been angry”, said the incest survivor, softly. Anger seems to be the only emotion some adults ever feel, while for others it is the only dangerous emotion that they never allow themselves to experience. anger can be used to Shield us against anticipated pain in a defensive response to previous pain. for some children anger is the only moment when they feel safe and strong because they can say no. this self-protective use of anger might be an attempt to avoid that person's disapproval or rejection. These responses can trigger our painful feelings of abandonment. New choices to express feelings learn some respectful assertiveness techniques so you don't need anger to Shield you from personal boundary violations. Try the broken record. You continue to matter of fact please State your desire or presence until the other realizes you are not backing down increase your feeling vocabulary by preparing a list of pleasant and unpleasant emotions. This will help you talk and write about the wider range of emotions you will be experiencing. Euphoria, vibrancy, contentment, alertness, regarded, lethargy, dejection, discontentment, aversion. Released from Shame-based Overdependency Craig spends a lot of time monitoring Sarah’s eating disorder. he is convinced that he can change her if he loves her enough and tries hard enough. Over dependency, often called codependency, is a shame-based painful pattern of excessive dependence on others to provide a sense of personal safety, identity and worth. over dependency binds us to relationships where we are being disrespected and controlled by people that we in turn, disrespect and attempt to control. Are you an over dependent person who gets compulsively over involved with others? Use this quiz : I feel uneasy and empty if I am not in a close relationship I sacrificed my values and standards to stay connected with others I give money on gifts as a way to feel more secure in relationships I cannot feel good if someone else feels bad I spend so much time helping others that my job, family and health suffer my needs to not feel is important and urgent as the needs of others I believe many people would be lost without me as I protect them from the effects of their stupid or silly choices Healthy Relationships Respecting ourselves and others also requires that we allow other adults to be as responsible for the consequences of their choices as we are for ours. stop and ask yourself if you are trying to rescue some adults from experiencing the consequences of their irresponsible choices. You might care deeply about this person and believe you are expressing true compassion. But can you see that you are actually expressing disrespect? When you rescue someone, you were saying “ I believe you were less capable of living responsibly than I am. You are like a child, or a mentally retarded adult.” Shame-Based relationships When asked why she stayed, Jessica shrugged and said” I take what I can get. Besides, it could be a lot worse.” What she meant was that she feared being alone. The greater the perceived abandonment in childhood, the more urgent and desperate is the adult search for safety and connectedness, regardless of how much physical, emotional and relational pain is involved. Mutually disrespectful shame-based relationships In many over-dependent relationships, both people shame and deeply disrespect each other, the one person may be less obvious about it. Shamers know where others are most easily hurt and use that information. the attack the independence of their partners by casting doubt on their intelligence, common sense and sanity. They diminish the people around them so that they can feel better about themselves. Subtle shamers favor rescuing to look stronger and more competent than the victim, while also maintaining the appearance of respectful kindness. Marriage and our hidden agendas many over-dependent adults approach marriage with hidden agendas. Usually, we hide these agendas even from ourselves. all we know is that we have deep, name of those long things in their lives, and we expect our unsuspecting spouses to satisfy them. But of course, they have their own longings and agendas. Our vague feelings that there is something missing in us propels our compulsive drive for personal completion. In marriage, this compulsion is identified into unspoken demands that our spouses spend their entire lives taking away our childhood pain and filling us with good feelings about ourselves Over-dependence and boundaries We cannot set personal boundaries and at the same time take responsibility for controlling another person's feelings. These acts are mutually exclusive. We set personal boundaries to take care of ourselves, not to control others. Too Permeable Permeable I talk at an intimate level at the first meeting I don’t overwhelm people with personal information. I allow time for trust to develop. I am overwhelmed with a person and his or her needs I am able to keep relationships in perspective and function effectively in other areas of my life. I don’t ever notice when others invade my personal boundaries I notice when others try to make decisions for me, are overly helpful or don’t consult me about planning my time. I sacrifice my values if I have to in order to be close to people. I am not willing to “do anything” to maintain a relationship. I have values that are non-negotiable Overdependency and Controlling Others Overdependents are the fairy godmothers of the world. They wave a magic wand, hoping to control other people. They end up being controlled by the very people they attempt to control. We complain about our loss of control in unhealthy relationships while being sincerely committed to improving, rescuing and helping others- which are all attempts to control someone. But in reality, unless you are in a prison, if you are being controlled and disrespected, you are a volunteer, not a victim. Many children raised in alcoholic families have voluntarily relinquished their self-respect, personal boundaries and control, all because of the belief that they could (or should) control another adult. They grow up to endure the same degrading situations by getting in a relationship with an alcoholic whose drinking they try to control. You might have this compulsive need to control others because you learned in childhood that you could and should. Your sense of identity and worth might center on the helping, rescuing relational styles that mark dedicated controllers. Or you might be controlling primarily to reduce the threat of experiencing events that trigger abandonment feelings. Perhaps the position of the victim might seem more effective for controlling. Those who play this role seem to have given up trying to earn anything. They have settled for taking as a way to be connected to all the rescuers who live to give. Children in dysfunctional families are often forced to play both the victim and the rescuer. Incest victims need to rescue their abusers by keeping their incest a secret. Victims need rescuers and rescuers need victims. But genuinely trusting and intimate relationships re based on the willingness to give up role-playing. Trust and Intimacy Overdependents tend to live one of two extreme positions: they trust too fast- they use their “blind trust” in a childlike attempt to make the other person trustworthy. And they get surprised when the partner doesn’t want to marry them straightaway. Responsible for Self Overresponsible, Strong Rescuer I am responsible for myself and to others I am responsible for everything or everyone I can change only myself I can change everybody I can take care of myself I will take care of you all of the time Some things are “too much” for me Nothing is too much for me I long for a relationship I desperately need to be needed Overdependents usually either overtrust or undertrust as a defense mechanism. In both cases they end up shame-bound and alone, incapable of making intimacy possible since intimatcy is based on appropriate trust. Intimacy Intimacy is an experience of shared openness. I tis the willingness of being who and what we are with another person. It requires trust that both people will be safe. Trusting is a choice. If we believe our imperfection disqualifies us from loving relationships, we won’t risk true intimacy. Mentally competent adults are responsible for themselves and the consequences of their choices. Exercise your freedom to choose by learning to say no Allow for the Law of the Pendulum as you make new choices People recovering from overdependency are often horrified at how mean they seem to be. Like most adults from troubled families who think in extremes all-or-nothing, we substitute an automatic no for a compulsive yes. With all-or-nothing thinking, we tend to swing to the opposite extreme before gradually finding an appropriate middle position. Practice alternative responses Tell people who need help that it is important for them to come up with their own solutions since it is their problem and their life. Forgiving the Shamers Is it a reasonable choice to be angry at them? There they are, standing in front of you with empty hands and pockets, unable to repay you for the past. You can continue trying to collect the debts they rightfully owe you by exacting verbal and nonverbal tolls. But this means you must constantly replay the past to keep their deficit balance fresh in your mind. Or you can cancel the debt. I didn’t say dent it but cancel it. Refusing to forgive has ironic consequences. While we keep our hurters imprisoned in hatred, we remain in bondage to bitterness and unforgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It allows your body to turn down the manufacture of the chemicals that are tearing you apart. Justice is getting what we deserve and mercy is not getting what we deserve. Grace is getting what we don’t deserve. Do not rush into a counter of cheap forgiveness You may be inclined to toss out a quick, thick blanket forgiveness to cover all the pain of your past. But true forgiveness is costly. You may want to commit to forgive at the start of your healing process even though you will first be looking closely at what needs to be forgiven. This way you will not cover up painful memories by saying they are forgiven without having examined them. Write a Forgiveness List Be specific about the hurts and about forgiving them. Begin lsiting specific times your parents hurt you. Include the act, your feelings and thoughts at the time. Write the date you choose to forgive. Eg. My mom called me stupid in front of 2 friends when I was nine. I felt so ashamed Date forgiven: 8/21/99 Releasing our Children Many of us will feel as total failures as a parents because we grew up believing that children’s needs and desires are simply too overwhelming for any parent to handle. Some unrealistic expectations we may have: My children need to be as upset about their mistakes as I am This belief comes when you grew up in a house where making a mistake was the same as being a mistake and failing at something made you a failure. This is the performance-equals-personhood lie. By constantly scrutinizing and emphasizing performance, we may convey in our children that their successful performances are all we truly value about them. My children must be perfect so they can rescue me from the shame of imperfection Shame-bound parents see their children’s performance primarily as a reflection of their own worth. These parents feel compelled to make their children take seriously the mission of making their parents look good, even if it kills them. Wanda Holloway went as far as killing the mom of her daughter’s cheerleading rival so give her daughter a better chance of winning. There is a part of Wanda in all of us and we were taught to call this motivation. Its real name is emotional abuse: praise of child-produced performance without affirmation of God-given worth. Child as Human Being Child as Human Doing My task is to live for myself. My task is to perform as perfectly a possible so they will love me/approve of me so I can feel good about myself. I let my child learn the consequences of procrastination by letting him get a poor grade. I take a short view for the appearance of perfect performance, doing my child’s project so he maintains high grades. I talk primarily of my child as a tenderhearted boy, an honest employee or a wise parent. I talk primarily about my child as the ballet star, soccer hero or doctor. I ask “did you enjoy it? Did you learn anything?” I ask “Did you win?” I reward brave attempts at success. I reward winning only. Remember to affirm and compliment your children warmly, frequently and directly. Lots of adults from dysfunctional families have no memories of a parent complimenting them, but discover after their parents’ death that their parents praised them to adult friends or relatives. It is also important to say “I am glad I have you as a daughter” Redefine Failure Failures is the pillar of success. Sometimes we worry that our children will become discouraged by mistakes and stop trying to achieve worthwhile goals. Actually, children tend to accept mistakes and move on without negative impact on their next attempts when they know they are loved and they don’t have to be perfect. "Mommy makes mistakes too, and pencils have erasers because everyone does too” Released for Potential and Purpose One day a pot of tea splashed against the wall of an inn. Sir Edwin Landseer began drawing on the wall around it, transforming it into a beautiful picture, It doesn’t matter how dark the stains are in your life. Gods creative potential is unlimited. He can take the very thing you view as hideous and transform it into something that will make you most useable to him. The Purpose of Brokenness Living though pain can help us develop character Pearls are the product of pain. One grain of sand slips inside an oyster. All resources rush to heal this foreign irritant. Lots of resources get activated, whereas they would have stayed dormant otherwise. One day the irritant is covered by a pearl. It is the symbol of stressed, a healed wound, a precious tiny jewel, conceived through irritation, born of adversity, nursed by adjustments. Had there been no wounding, no irritating interruption, there could have been no pearl. You must commit yourself to consistently practicing the truth If you just put this book down and begin reading another one containing more truth, your life and relationships still won’t change. Truth-based change come from living new, truth-shaped choices.
  5. Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck Chapter 1: Don’t Try The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more, it is to give a fuck about less, about only what is true and immediate and important. Consumer culture has bred lots of negative experiences: anxiety, fear, guilt, making us overly stressed, neurotic and self-loathing. Our crisis is no longer material, it is spiritual. We have lots of stuff and so many opportunities that we don’t know what to give a fuck about anymore. The desire for a positive experience is paradoxically, a negative experience. And the acceptance of one’ negative experience becomes a positive experience. The more you want to be rich, the poorer you feel. Albert Camus said you will never be happy if you look what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. It is often the person who is the least invested in the success of something that actually ends up achieving it. You need to learn to pursue the negatives, not the positives: the pain at the gym, and the failures in business to have a better understanding of what is it to be successful. To not give a fuck is to stare down life’s most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action: the switch in careers, the choice to drop out of college, etc. Not giving a fuck means learning how to focus and prioritize what matters to you versus what doesn’t. It is not being indifferent to anything, shaken by nothing and caving to no one; it is rather being comfortable with being different, not caring about pissing somebody off when you feel you are doing something you feel is right, important or noble. How do you do that? To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important. If you find yourself giving fucks about a TV remote, then the real problem is that there is not much going in your life. Whether you realize it or not, you are always choosing what to give a fuck about. Kids first cry about nothing, then as we mature, we start giving fucks only to things we think are fuckworthy. As we get older, our energy level drops, our identity solidifies and we start accepting parts of ourselves we aren’t thrilled about. It is actually liberating to accept life as it is. We reserve our fucks for our families, our best friends, our golf swing. And surprisingly, we realize that this is enough. This makes us happy on a consistent basis. People today don’t realize it’s ok to suck sometimes. Practical enlightenment teaches that suffering is inevitable, but you can turn your pain into a tool, our trauma into power and your problems into better problems. Not giving a fuck means learning to suffer better for more meaningful things, with more compassion and humility. It’s about learning to lose and let go. It’s about learning that it’s ok not to try. Chapter 2: Happiness is a Problem Buddha discovered suffering is inevitable. One of life’s realizations was this that life itself is a form of suffering. The rich suffer because of their riches. The poor suffer because of their poverty. People without a family suffer because they have no family. People with a family suffer because of their family. People who pursue worldly pleasures suffer because of their worldly pleasures. People who abstain from worldly pleasures suffer because of their abstention. Pain and loss are inevitable and we should let go of trying to resist them. We suffer for the simple reasons that suffering is biologically useful. It is Nature's preferred agent for inspiring change. You have evolved to always live with a certain degree of dissatisfaction and insecurity because it's the dissatisfied and insecure creature that's going to do the most work to innovate and survive. We are wired to become dissatisfied with whatever we have and satisfied by only what you do not have. Therefore, our own pain and misery are not a bug of human evolution, they are feature. Pain is what teaches us what to pay attention to when we were young or careless. It helps show us what's good for us versus what's best for us. It helps us understand and adhere to our own limitations. Problems never go away he said they just improve. Warren Buffett has money problems. The hobo also has money problems. Buffet just has better money problems. So, don't hope for a life without problem, as there's no such thing. Instead hope for a life full of good problems. Happiness comes from solving problems. If you're avoiding your problems or feel like you don't have any problems then you're going to make yourself miserable. Most people fuck things up in two ways. Denial and victim mentality Emotions are overrated They are feedback mechanisms telling us that something is either like the right or likely one for us nothing more nothing less. Emotions are simply biological signals designed to nudge you in the direction of beneficial change. In other words, negative emotions are a call to action. Positive emotions on the other hand or rewards for taking the proper action. Remember pain serves a purpose. Then there are those people who over identify with their emotions. “Oh, I broke your windshield but I was really mad. I couldn't help it”. Or “I dropped out of school and moved to Alaska just because it felt right”. An obsession and overinvestment in emotion fails us for the simple reason that emotions never last. Whatever makes us happy today will no longer make us happy tomorrow. This is why our problems are recursive and unavoidable. The person you marry is the person you fight with. The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over. This is a difficult pill to swallow. We like the idea that there's some form of ultimate happiness that can be attained. We like the idea that we can alleviate all of our suffering permanently. We like the idea that we can feel fulfilled and satisfied with our lives forever. But we cannot. Choose your struggle If I ask you what do you want out of life and you say “I want to be happy and have a great family and job I like”, your response doesn't really mean anything. The more interesting question is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Most people want a lot of money but not many people want to work 60 hours a week. Most people want a great relationship but you shoot people want to go through tough conversations awkward silences hurt feelings and emotional drama to get there. Happiness grows from problems real fulfillment and meaning are earned through the choosing and managing of our struggles. You have to choose something the more interesting question is the pain. What pain do you want to sustain? That is the hard question. That is the question that will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change of perspective alive. It's what makes you you. It's fun to find us and separates us and ultimately brings us together. I thought I wanted to be a rockstar but actually I was in love with the results. I was thinking of me on stage of people cheering but I wasn't in love with the process. I realized that I didn't like to climb too much. I just like to imagine the summit. I wanted the reward another struggle. Who you are is defined by what you are willing to struggle for People who enjoy the struggles of the gym are the ones who have great abs. People who enjoy long work days are the ones who fly to the top of the company. Chapter 3: You Are Not Special And the 1960s research found that people who thought highly about themselves performed better and cause fewer problems. But you're not exceptional. Having high self-esteem and feeling good about yourself doesn't mean you have a good reason to feel good about yourself. It turns out that adversity on failure or actually useful and even necessary for developing strong-minded and successful adults. A more accurate measurement of one's self worth is how you feel about the negative aspects of yourself. Jimmy is entitled. He thinks he deserves good things without actually earning them or working for them. Someone with a high self-worth can look at the negative parts of his character frankly and say “yes, sometimes I'm irresponsible with money”. Or “Yes sometimes I exaggerate my own successes”. Or “Yes I rely too much on others to support me and I should be more self-reliant.” And then these people act to improve upon them. When really bad things happen in our life, we feel that we are incapable of solving them. This makes us feel miserable and helpless. But it also makes us feel that the rules are different for us. It makes us feel entitled. The deeper the pain the more helpless we feel and the more entitled we feel. As a result, we think “I'm awesome and you all suck so I deserve special treatment” or “I suck and all of you were awesome so I deserve special treatment”. The truth is that there's no such thing as a personal problem If you've got a problem chances are millions of other people have had it in the past or have it now. It means that you are not special. Realizing that you and your problems are not privileged or special is the first and most important step toward solving them. Accepting a job pretty will grow your appreciation for life's basic experiences the pleasures of simple friendship creating something helping a person in need reading a good book relaxing someone you care about. Chapter 4: the value of suffering Onoda fought WW2 until the 1970s. When he went back to Japan, he became more depressed than he had been in the jungle for all those years. In the jungle his life had meant something. Back in Japan he realized his fighting had meant nothing. The first step to self-awareness is understanding your emotions, knowing when you feel happy or when you feel sad. The second step is the ability to ask yourself why you feel these emotions. The 3rd step and the deeper level of awareness is your personal values. Why do I consider this to be a success or a failure how am I choosing to measure Myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me? Most people are bad at answering these why questions and this is why they do not understand their own values. Many people feel lonely. But when you ask them why, they blame others. They do not look at their responsibility for their own problems. They are actually chasing highs instead of generating true happiness. Usually the more uncomfortable the answer the more likely it is to be true. Think of something that is really bugging you. Now ask yourself why it bugs you. The answer will probably involve a failure of yours. Ask yourself why this failure seems true to you. what did that failure wasn't really a failure? What if you've been looking at it the wrong way? Maybe you were choosing a poor metric for yourself under life maybe you don't need to be that close to your brother you have a good relationship that you how are you. Maybe there just needs to be some mutual respect. Or maybe trust is enough. Maybe these metrics would be better assessments of a good relationship with your brother than how many text messages you and him exchange. Dave Mustaine sold millions of records but he still considered himself a failure because he sold less than Metallica who kicked him out. His metric was to be more successful than Metallica and so he saw himself as a failure. Onoda’s metric was loyalty to the Japanese empire which is why he was okay for 30 years and miserable when he went back to Japan. If you want to change how you see your problems you have to change what you value and how you make how you measure success. After getting kicked out from the Beatles, Best said she was pretty happy his values has changed. He decided what he had was more important: a family of stable marriage and a simple life. So, what was really lost? Just a lot of attention and adulation whereas what he gained meant so much more to him. Pleasure is not the cause of Happiness; rather it is the effect. If you get the other stuff right like the other values and metrics then pleasure will naturally occur as a by-product. Sometimes life sucks and you have to admit it. Constant positivity is a form of avoidance and it is not a valid solution to Life's problems. By the way if you choose the right values in metrics these problems should be motivating you. When you have negative emotions Express them in a healthy way and in a way that aligns with your values. as Freud once said one day all the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. Defining good and bad values Good values or reality-based socially constructive and controllable. Honesty is a good value because you have control over it. Popularity is a bad value because you have no control over it. some examples of good values are honesty Innovation vulnerability standing up for oneself standing up for others self-respect curiosity charity humility and creativity. When you prioritize better values, you get better problems and when you get better problems you get a better life. There are five values that will change your life Taking responsibility: Accepting uncertainty: accepting that you don't know everything Accepting failure: Accepting rejection: being able to say no and hear no Accepting death Chapter 5: you are always choosing If you are always feeling miserable it's probably because many things are outside of your control. When we choose our problems we feel empowered. We don't always control what happens to us. But we always control how we react and respond. Even if it's not your fault it's your responsibility to choose a response. We are always choosing. The more responsibility we accept in our lives the more power we exercise over our lives. Some guys don't go and meet girls because they are afraid of their height. I assume women are only attracted to height. So they don't try. a better value would have been to say I want to date only women who like me for who I am. this is a metric that assesses the value of honesty and acceptance. Many people don't take responsibility for their problems because they are not at fault for their problems. If there's a baby in front of your doorstep one morning it's not your fault but it is your responsibility what to do. Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense. Accepting responsibility also mean looking at a breakup in the past and seeing the mistakes that you committed. simply blaming others is only hurting yourself. The way you react to your son's this is your own choice. Genetics and the Hands we are dealt There was this girl who had thought of her family dying. she learned that there are still monsters in the back of her mind and they will always be there but now they're getting quieter. Didn't choose this horrible condition. But she got to choose how to live with it. I have to choose how to live with it. The real game lies in the choices we make the cars that we have been dealt. The people who win or not necessarily the people with the best cards. Like poker. Today every demographic group feels unfairly victimized at the same time. This is outrage porn the media likes to find something mildly offensive, generate outrage, and opposed to imaginary science side while distracting everyone from the real problems. How do I change? Choosing everyday to give a f*** about it's really simple. Giving up a value is disorienting. You will meet internal and external resistance. Chapter 6: You Are Wrong about Everything As a teenager I told everybody that I didn't care about anything, when the truth was I cared but way too much. I thought happiness was a Destiny and not a choice. I thought that was something that just happened and not something that you worked for. A woman is single and lonely and wants a partner but she never gets out of the house and never does anything about it. because she would be forced to confront her beliefs about her own desirability. Thinking you're not attractive enough for your boss is an ass-whole give you moderate Comfort now at the cost of Greater happiness in the future. And we assume we know how the story ends. But the best and most gratifying experiences are also the most distracting and demotivating. the most difficult and stressful moments end up being the most formative and motivating. when you make humans believe they have found a combination that turns the lights on they will cling to this belief even if you tell them that the lights would get on at random times. We cling to the meaning that I remind has made. As a result most of our beliefs are wrong. be careful what you believe new line we measure every new piece of information against the values and conclusions we already have. As a result we are always biased toward what we feel to be true in that moment. When we have a great relationship with our sister we think of her in a positive light but when we have a bad relationship with her the sweet gift she gave us is now remembered as patronizing and condescending. False memory syndrome shows us that our beliefs are malleable and our memories are unreliable. if we're wrong all the time then we should be skeptic and challenge our own beliefs. Manson’s Law of Avoidance The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it. The more something threatens to change how you view yourself or how successful you believe yourself to be or how well you see yourself living up to your values the more you will avoid getting around doing it. Making a million dollars for could threaten your identity just as much as losing all your money. Becoming a famous Rockstar could threaten your identity just as much as losing your job. This is why people are afraid of success- for the same reason they are afraid of failure: it threatens who they believe themselves to be. I believe I'm a nice guy I will avoid situations that would contradict that believe. If I believe I'm a good cook I would look for opportunities to prove that to me. When you admit to yourself that you were scared you're free to be ambitious again. You have no reason to feel threatened by pursuing your dreams and maybe failing. Uline fear can be very narcissistic. When you assume that you're playing is the one that is going to crash or that's your idea is the stupid one door telling yourself that you are the exception. This is narcissism narcissism. you feel that your problems deserve to be treated differently because they do not obey the laws of the physical universe. how to be a little less certain of yourself 1 keep in mind that you could be wrong 2 realize that if you were wrong this would often make you the selfish one or the insecure one or the narcissistic one Uline 3 3 ask yourself which problem is better. do you want to cause drama within your family or do you want to let your sister choose for herself the guy she wants to be with. Uline keep in mind that you have insecurities and flawed certainties that make you behave like an a******. If it feels like it's you versus the world it's probably just you versus yourself. Chpter 7: Failure is the Way Forward if someone is better than you at something they probably have failed at it more than you have. Many parents don't let their kids screw up and even punish them for trying anything new. The media only shows us the people who succeed without showing us the thousands of hours of dull practice. So we often seek external goals outside of our controls, which gives us great anxiety. Also these external goals are finite, whereas process-oriented goals or never completely finished and you have to re-engage with them everyday by being honest to people if honesty is your gold. Pain is Part of the Process World War II survivors some said they had become better more responsible and a happier people. they realize they had been ungrateful and unappreciative their loved ones and consumed by Petty problems. After the war they felt more confident more sure of themselves more grateful. Proudest achievements, in the face of the greatest adversity. Pain off and makes us stronger more resilient and more grounded. Fear and anxiety and sadness are necessary to grow. You must suffer physical pain to build stronger bone and muscle and you must suffer emotional pain to get greater emotional resilience a stronger sense of self increased compassion and a general happier life. the do something principle a good math teacher tells you that when you were stuck on a problem don't sit there and think about it. Just start working on it. Even if you don't know what you're doing the simple Act of working on it will eventually cause the right ideas to show up in your head. Action isn't just the effect of motivation it is also because of it. if you lack the motivation to make an important change do something and then use that reaction as a way to begin motivating yourself. Some novelist rice 200 very bad words everyday that's all. If they follow the do something principle failure feels unimportant. They Propel themselves ahead. They feel free to fail and that failure moves them forward. This principle helps you overcome procrastination and it is also the process by which you adopt new values. And with simply doing something that's your only metric for Success even failure pushes you forward. Chapter 8 The importance of saying no after years and years of travel I realize that absolute freedom by itself means nothing. The only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance if through a rejection of Alternatives by narrowing the freedom of choice of commitment to one place one or one person. To value X, II must reject non X. If I choose to judge myself based on my friendships that means I'm rejecting trashing my friends behind their backs. Rejection is necessary to maintain your values and your identity. We are defined by what we choose to reject. And if we reject Nothing by the fear of being rejected then we essentially have no identity at all. being honest means being comfortable with saying and hearing the word no. rejection actually makes a relationships better and our emotional lives healthier. Boundaries people in a healthy relationship with strong boundaries will take responsibility for their own values and problems and will not take responsibility for their Partners values and problems. People in toxic relationship with poor or no boundaries with regularly avoid responsibility for their own problems or take responsibility for their Partners problems. what do poor boundaries look like? Here are some examples new line you cannot go out with your friends without me. You know how jealous I get it. You have to take him with me. My coworkers are idiots. They always make me late to meetings because I have to tell them how to do their jobs. I cannot believe you made me feel so stupid in front of my own sister. Never disagree with me in front of her again. I would love to take that job but my mother would never forgive me for moving so far away. I would love to date you but can you not tell my friend Cindy? She really gets insecure when I have a boyfriend and she doesn't. each scenario the person is either taking responsibility for problems that are not theirs are demanding that someone else take responsibility for their problems. traps and their relationships. Either they expect other people to take responsibility for their problems. “I wanted a nice relaxing weekend at home. You should have known that and canceled your plans.” are they take on too much responsibility for other people's problems. “ she just lost her job again but it's probably my fault because I wasn't a supportive as her as I could have been. I'm going to help her we write a resume tomorrow.” You never developed strong values for yourself when you have blurry areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions. You never developed strong values when it's not clear who is responsible for what and who's fault is what and why you're doing what you're doing. Your only value becomes making your partner happy. Are your only value becomes your partner making you happy. Uline people cannot solve your problems for you new line and they shouldn't try because that won't make you happy. You cannot solve other people's problems with them either because that's likewise want to make them happy. The mark of an unhealthy relationship is two people who try to solve each other's problems in order to feel good about themselves. Rather a healthy relationship is when two people solve their own problems in order to feel good about each other. Entitled people who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that they backspace if they constantly paint themselves as victims eventually someone will come along and save them and they will receive the love that they have always wanted. Uline these are the yin and the Yang of any toxic relationship. The victim and the saver, the person who starts fires because it makes her feel important and the person who puts out fires because it makes him feel important. These two types of people or drawn strongly to one another and they usually end up together. They're the foliage he's match one another perfectly. Often they have grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits as well. Though their model for a happy relationship is one based on entitlement and poor boundaries. the victim if you really love the saver would say look this is my problem. You don't have to fix it for me. Just support me while I fix it myself. That would actually be a demonstration of Love. Thinking responsibility for your own problems and not holding your partner responsible for them. Uline If the Savior really wanted to save the victim to savor would say you're blaming others for your own problems. Deal with this yourself. And in a sick way that would actually be a demonstration of love. Helping someone solve their own problems. For victims the hardest things to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their problems. They have spend their whole life believing that others are responsible for their fate. The first step of taking responsibility for themselves as often terrifying. For Savers the hardest thing to do in the world has problems. They have spent their whole life feeling value then blocked only when they are saving someone else. So let them go of this need is terrifying to them as well. It can be difficult for people to recognize the difference between out of obligation and doing it voluntarily. So here is a test. Ask yourself if I refuse how would the relationship change? Similarly ask if my partner refuse something I wanted how would the relationship change? If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama on broken China plate then that is a bad sign for relationship . it suggests that your relationship is conditional. It is based on superficial benefits received from one another rather than an unconditional acceptance of each other along with each other's problems. An argument. People with weak boundaries are terrified of those things and will constantly change their own behavior to fit the highs and the lows of their relational emotional rollercoaster full stop. People with drawing boundaries understand that it's unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% And fulfill every need the other has. People will strong boundaries understand that they made hurt someone's feelings sometimes but ultimately they cannot to remind how other people feel. People have strong boundaries understand that healthy relationship is not about controlling one others emotions but rather about H partner supporting the other in their individual growth and insulting their own problems. It's not about giving a f*** about everything your partner gives a f*** about. it's about giving a f*** about your partner regardless but f**** he or she gives. This is unconditional love. for a relationship to be healthy both people must be willing and able to both say no and here no. Only normal, it is absolutely necessary for the maintenance of a healthy relationship. Freedom Through Commitment More it's always better. In fact the opposite of true. We're actually often happier with less. When we are overloaded with opportunities and options we suffer from what psychologists refer to as the Paradox of choice. The more options we were given the less satisfied we become with whatever we choose because we are aware of all the other options we are potentially forfeiting. But while investing deeply in one person one place, one job, when activity Mike the Knight us the breadth of experience we would like, pursuing a breadth of experience denies us the opportunity to experience the rewards of death of experience. There are some experiences that you can have only when you have lived in the same place for 5 years, when you have been with the same person for over a decade, when you have been working on the same skill or craft perhaps your lifetime. Uline I have committed to one woman for the Long Haul and to my surprise I have found this more rewarding than any of the thing and one night stands I have had in the past. I have committed to a single geographic location and double Donald a handful of my significant genuine healthy friendships. Commitment gives you freedom because you were no longer distracted by the unimportant and frivolous. Amendment gives you freedom because it holds your attention and focus, directing them to Ward what is most efficient at making you healthy and happy. Amendment makes decision making easier and removes any fear of missing out. Knowing that what you have is already good enough, why would you ever stress about chasing more again? Commitment allows you to focus on a few highly important gold and achieve a greater degree of success than you otherwise would. Chapter 9: And Then You Die we all want to be remembered after we die. cities governments we're all project of men who wanted to leave something behind. All the meaning of our life shaped by this desire to never truly die. This is why we spend so much time teaching children oh, so that our influence will Outlast us. Accepting your death is the basic route to all happiness. caring about something greater than yourself, believing that you were contributing to something larger than you make you more tolerant of the world around you. Today people give up all responsibility and demand that Society cater to their feelings. They try to enforce this on others sometimes violently in the name of some righteous cause. This pampering of the modern mind has resulted in the population that feels deserving of something without earning it, it created the population that feels they have a right to do something without sacrificing for it. Accepting my death and my own fragility has made everything easier entangling my predictions identifying and confronting my own entitlement, accepting responsibility for my own problems, suffering through my fears of uncertainties, accepting my failures and embracing rejections, it has all been made lighter by the thought of my own death. The more I peer into the darkness, the brighter life gets, the quieter the world becomes, and the less unconscious resistance I feel to anything.
  6. A guy had seen many tough managers whose organization seem to when will the people working there lost. I heard the pride and their voices and their interest in results. The young man also met many nice managers whose people seem to win while their organizations lost. I heard the pride in their voices in their interest in people. The most effective managers manage themselves and the people they work with so that both the people and the organization profit from their presence. Since speed is a currency of success now, leading with collaboration is far more effective than the old command and control system. How do you lead with collaboration? I meet with my team once a week. I listen as our group analyzes what they have achieved, the problems they had, what remains to be accomplished and their plans and strategies to get those things done. The purpose of the meeting is for people to participate in making key decisions about what they're going to do next. People who feel good about themselves produce good results The one-minute manager doesn't think decisions for other people. He asks people to make decisions by themselves. One-minute goals The new manager needs to spend very little time with his employees. The beginning of one-minute management is setting one-minute goals. For example, instead of setting our goals for us, he listens to our input and works side-by-side with us to develop them. After we agree on our most important goals, each goal is described on one page. We write what needs to be done and what due date. It should take no more than a paragraph or two. So it can be read and reviewed in about a minute. We only write three to five goals. Conversation with his assistant: -I have a problem. -Good that's what you've been hired yourself. One of your goals for the future is for you to identify and solve your own problems. - I can’t really describe the problem - Then tell me what people are doing or not doing that is causing the problem. - xx - That's good. Now tell me what you would like to be happening” - I don’t know - Call me back when you know. A problem is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening. If you cannot tell what you would like to be happening then you don't have a problem yet - Well I wanted X and got Y - What could you do ? - A - Would that bring the result you want? - No - Then it’s a lousy situation. What else could you do? - B. - Would that produce the expected outcome? - Not really - Then it’s a lousy solution. What else could you do? - I could do A now, B next week and C in 2 weeks. - Great. You’re good, Teresa. Remember that, next time you have a problem. To set a one-minute goal: Plan it together with the people doing it Have them write 3 to 5 goals on a single page Ask them to review their most important goal every day Encourage people to ask whether their behavior matches their goals If not, encourage them to re-think what they’re doing One-minute praisings They are very clear crystal feedback on how well the employees are doing. He said I had talent and he wanted to keep me. He also wanted me to enjoy my work and to be a big help to the organization. When I started working here, I noticed that after my manager and I set our one-minute goals, he stayed in close contact. He would look at various data that shows how I was doing. And he required me to send him reports of my progress. Help people reach their full potential. Catch them doing something right The praising doesn't take a lot of time because it only takes a minute. Especially in the beginning, try to catch them doing something right. I know when I get a praising that I have earned it. I have seen how it builds confidence, which turns out to be very important. Plus, it saves the manager’s time. I do the same with the people on my team, so they can also become more capable. You connect one-minute goals to praise things, which brings out the best in people. The first half-minute Praise praise people as Soon as possible Let people know what they did right. Be specific Tell people how good you feel about what they did right and how it helps Pause 4. Pause for a moment to allow people time to feel good about what they have done. The second half minute 5. Encourage them to do more of the same 6. Show you have confidence in them and report their success When people leave than one-minute manager, we usually give them their own operation. He is our best developer of people. Whenever we have an opening and need a good manager, we call him. He always has somebody who is ready. One-minute redirects Praising people doesn't always work if it is not combined with redirect to correct mistakes when they occur. Today we need to get more done sooner with fewer resources. And people want to find more satisfaction and value in their work. If I make a mistake, my manager is quick to respond. First, he makes sure he has made the goal that we have set clear. If it does not, he takes responsibility for that and clarifies the goal. As soon as he becomes aware of the mistake, he confirms the fact with me and we review what has been wrong. He's very specific. That he tells me how he feels about the mistake and its possible impact on our results, sometimes in no uncertain terms. Then he's quiet for a few seconds to let it sink in. That quiet pause turns out to be surprisingly important. In the second part of the redirect he reminds me that I am better than my mistake and that he has confidence and trust in me. The redirect only takes about a minute and then when it is over, it is over. He encourages us to speak up if you notice he may be mistaken about something. It does not happen often, but he says it helps in preventing an error he might make in the future. The first half minute Redirect people as soon as possible Confirm the facts first and review the mistake together. Be specific Express how you feel about the mistake and its impact on the results Pause 4. Be quiet for a moment to allow people time to feel concerned about what they have done The second half minute 5. Remember to let them know that they are better than their mistake and that you think well of them as a person 6. Remind them that you have confidence and trust in them and support their success 7. Remember that when the redirect is over, it is over. The best minute I spend is the one I invest in people it is ironic that most companies spend so much of their money on people's salaries and yet they spend only a small fraction of their budget to develop people. In fact, most companies spend more time and money on maintaining their buildings, technology and equipment and they do on developing people. In organizations that worked in, I often didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. Nobody bothered to tell me. If you ask me whether I was doing a good job, I would say either I don't know or I think so. Why one-minute goals work A very troublesome employee happened to be very happy when he played bowling. What made him so happy? What gave him this excitement that he didn't have at work? That is because he knew where the bowling pins were and how to aim at them. Many managers assume wrongly that the people know what to aim for. When you assume that people know what is expected of them, you are creating an ineffective form of bowling game where the players do not see the pins. It's like playing golf at night. It's like watching team sports when the teams do not know how to score. The number one motivator of people is feedback on the results. They want to know how they are doing. Feedback is the breakfast of champions. Unfortunately, even when some managers learn the feedback on the results of the number one motivator of people, they usually set up a performance review after three months. It's like playing bowling and knowing the score only 3 months later. Most people do not know how they are doing until they go through their performance review and discover all the things that they didn't do right. Managers do this because they do not want to be seen as a soft touch - someone who cannot discriminate between good performance and poor performance. They feel that they look soft if everyone in the team gets the maximum grade. In reality, it would be better to set it up so that everyone has a chance to be a winner. Everyone is a potential winner. Some people are just disguised as losers. Do not let their appearances fool you You can either hire a winner or someone with the potential to be a winner. Then you help that person to become a winner. Each goal should be described on one page including due dates. This way people can review their goals daily and check their performances. They should only write down their major goals and responsibilities and not every aspect of their job. Take a minute to look at your goals. Then look at what you were doing and see if it matches your goals Why one-minute praising works When you teach a child to walk, you do not spank him the first time he falls down. On the contrary, you encourage them even if he only takes one step. To help people become winners, you should catch them doing something approximately right in the beginning. Most managers wait until people do something exactly right before they praise them. As a result, many people never get to become High performers because their managers concentrate on catching them doing things wrong. Punishment does not work when you use it with someone who is learning. Rather than punish inexperienced people who are still learning, we need to redirect them. In the beginning, always try to notice situations where you can give a legitimate one-minute praising. For example, you can say “You are a very enthusiastic and receptive learner. That makes me feel good about sharing my knowledge with you” Why one-minute redirect works Many managers gunnysack their feedback. They store up observations of poor behavior until frustration builds. When performance review time comes, these managers are angry in general because their sack is really full. So, they charge in and dump it all at one time. Many parents and spouses do that too. People usually end up disagreeing about the facts, or they simply keep quiet and become resentful. Often, the person receiving the feedback becomes defensive. They do not know what they have done wrong. If managers addressed things earlier, they could deal with one behavior at a time and the person would not be overwhelmed. That's why performance review should be an ongoing process, not something you do only once a year. The good manager deals fairly and clearly with one behavior at a time, so the person receiving the feedback can hear it. You want to get rid of the bad behavior but keep the good person, so you do not attack the person just because they have made a mistake. The goal is not to tear people down, but to build them up. When you walk away, you want the person aware and concerned about what they did, instead of turning to a co-worker and talking about how they were mistreated or what they think of your leadership style. Give the redirect first. Don't be nice and tough be tough and nice. In that order. If you were first tough on the behavior and then supportive of the person, it works better. One coach told his player: “you are missing easy shots, you are not grabbing any rebounds, and you are loafing on the fence. I am angry with you because you do not look like you were even trying. He waited for a moment and then added you are better than that you need to sit on the bench until you were ready to play the way that you are capable off.” After a while, the player stood up and said “I'm ready to go, coach.” He answered “Then get back in there and show me what you can do.” Tell people what they did wrong, tell them how you feel about it, and remind them that they are better than that. There is respect and caring behind a redirect. Your job is to show people how to manage themselves and enjoy it. You want them to succeed when you were not around. People do not work for you; they work with you. I do not believe anybody ever works for anybody else. Deep down, people like to work for themselves.
  7. If you have not acquired more than a bare existence in the years since we were youths, it is because you either have failed to learn the laws that govern building of wealth, or else you do not observe them. Fickle Fate is a vicious goddess who brings no permanent good to anyone. On the contrary, she brings ruin to almost every man upon whom she showers unearned gold. She makes them wanton spenders <ho dissipate their wealth while others hoard it, not possessing the ability to replace it. The 7 rules: 1. Pay yourself first - a part of everything you earn is yours to keep 10% of everything you make is yours. Seek advice from those who are more competent. Have your gold work for you. When I set a task for myself, I complete it. Therefore, I am careful not to start tasks that are too difficult or impractical, because I love leisure.. Arkad has become the richest man in Babylon by taking advantage of opportunities available to all citizens in our good city. 2. Control thy expenditures What we call our "necessary expenses" will always grow to equal our income. We all have more desires than our earnings can gratify. Jut as weeds grow in a field where the farmer leaves space for their roots, desires grow in men as soon as there is a possibility they may be gratified. 3. Make thy gold multiply Lend it and take interest 4. Guard thy treasures from loss It is not wise to be intrigued by larger gains when the capital can be lost. Study carefully and each time you part with your treasure, make sure you have assurance it can be safely reclaimed. Be not misled by your romantic desires to make gold rapidly.Guard thy treasure from loss by only investing when your principal is safe and where it may be reclaimed if desirable and where you will not fail to collect a fair rental. consult with wise man. Secure the advice of those experienced in the profitable handling of gold. Let their wisdom protect your treasure from unsafe Investments. Gold Slips Away from the man who invests in a business in which he's not familiar or which is not approved by the people who are skilled at it. The richest men talked over each plan with great care. They took no chance on losing their principal or getting into unprofitable Investments where they could not retrieve their gold. 5. Make of your dwelling a profitable investment When your house is built you can pay the money lender be the same regularity you paid the landlord. Own your home 6. Insure a future income No man can afford not to insure for his old age and the protection of his family no matter how prosperous his business and his Investments may be. Provide in advance for the needs of your growing age and the protection of your family. 7. Increase your ability to earn Your desires must be strong and definite. Do not wish to be rich. Wish to have five pieces of gold, which is way more specific. Write a will, so proper division of your property be accomplished in case the Gods call you. Cultivate your own powers, study, become wiser, become more skillful and act as so to respect yourself Men of action or favored by the goddess of good luck Good Luck waits to come to that man who accept the opportunity. The first step to wealth is to draw dividends from the earnings of your gold instead of earning from their own labor. Some do it too late and opportunity will not wait for such low fellows. The goddess of luck thinks if a man desires to be lucky he will step quick. A man didn't want to buy so many sheep before his slaves could count them in the morning. The next morning the gates opened and plenty of buyers rushed out and they were willing to pay very high price and he lost his chance to make a good deal. It is wise to make a payment immediately when we are convinced our bargain is wise. The spirit of procrastination is within all men. We desire riches yet how often when opportunity appear before us that Spirit of procrastination from within us delays our acceptance. In listening to it, we do become our own worst enemies. Procrastination is an enemy ever watching and waiting to thwart your accomplishments. No man would allow an enemy to drive away his customers and rob him of his profits. Procrastination commits the same acts as your enemy, so you need to conquer it with determination. Every man should master his own procrastination before he can expect to share the richest Treasures of Babylon. Opportunities come to all men. Some grasp them and move to the gratification of their desires but the majority hesitates falters and falls behind. To attract good luck to yourself is necessary to take advantage of opportunities. The buyer would have enjoyed good luck if he had completed the purchase of all the Sheep's and sold at a good profit. Good luck can be enticed by accepting opportunity. Those who are eager to grasp opportunities for their betterment do attract the interest of the goddess of luck. Action will lead you forward to the successes that you desire. The gold lender of Babylon - Better a little Caution than a great regret If you want to help someone or lend them money do it in a way that will not bring your friends burdens upon yourself. The gold lender is always a sure that his gold will be returned with the rental because the loan is based on property. One man asked: “ should I land my 50 pieces of gold to my sister's husband? They mean so much to me” If the husband said he wanted to be a merchant I would say "what knowledge he has of the trade?" I would ask where he knows how to buy at a low-cost. I would ask if he knows where he can sell at a good price. If he couldn't answer this I would say: I have no security and I treasure every piece of gold. If the robbers took it from you then you would have no means of repaying me and my gold would be gone. if he would submit to me a plan that seems wise and possible then I would gladly lend my money so he may have an opportunity to prove that he can succeed. I would not lend any money where I am not confident that it is safe and will be returned to me. The walls of Babylon - We cannot afford to be without adequate protection Babylon survived century after century because it was fully protected. These walls were a good example of a man's need and desire for protection. This desire is inherent in the human race. Conclusion 10% of everything you make is for you to save, no matter how many creditors are banging at the door. 70% is for your expenses Finally 20% is for your creditors Expenses should never exceed 70% of your income
  8. Rich Dad, Poor Dad Employees lose, investors and owners win. It’s the difference between controlling your destiny or entrusting someone else with it. Educated dad says to work for a corporation. Rich dad says to own the corporation Poor dad says money is the root of all evil. Rich dad says the lack of money is the root of all evil. Poor dad said I can’t afford it. Rich Dad said How can I afford it? Poor Dad thought the riches should pay more taxes to take care of the less fortunate. Rich Dad said the taxes punish those who produce and reward those who don’t. One encouraged talking about money and business at the dinner table. The other one forbade it. One said not to take risks, the other said to learn to manage risk. One believed in self-reliance and spoke how the entitlement mentality was creating weak and financially needy people. One taught how to write good resumes. The other taught how to write strong business and financial plans. One worker for money. Money worked for the other one. Money is not taught in schools. Schools focus on scholastic and professional skills but not financial skills. That is why there are many smart bankers, doctors and accountants who had excellent grades and still struggle financially. Lesson 1: The rich don’t work for money If you can’t make your mind decisively then you will never learn to make money. Opportunities come and go. Being able to know when to make quick decisions is an important skill. True learning takes energy, passion. Anger is a part of that, as anger is passion and love combiner. Most people do not want to take risks, so passion does not direct them, fear does. Why does the people let the government take their money? Only the poor and the middle-class do. They pay more in taxes than rich people. Most people never see the trap they are in. Fear compells them to work hard and greed pushes them to spend it. They react emotionally instead of thinking. Ue your mind and emotions in your favor, not against yourself. Be an observer to your emotions. Unfortunately, for many people, school is the end, not the beginning of learning. The difference between emotions speaking and the mind speaking: “Everyone has to work. The rich are crooks. I like this job because it’s secure.” instead of “Is there something I am missing there?” Lesson 2: Why Teach Financial Literacy? It’s like planting a tree. You water it for years and then one day it doesn’t need you anymore. Its roots have gone deep enough and it provides shade for your enjoyment. Accounting should be the most important subject to study if you want to be rich long-term. Rule 1: always know the difference between an asset and a liability. Rich people buy assets. Poor and middle-class people buy liabilities thinking they are assets. Money only accentuates the cash-flow pattern running in your head. If your pattern is to spend everything you get, mot likely an increase in cash will result in an increase in spending. Fear causes people to conform and not question commonly accepted opinions or popular trends. An intelligent person hires people who are smarter than them. Schools don’t provude employers, they produce good employees. The greatest losses of all are the ones of missed opportunities. Wealth is a person’s ability to survive without working. If I stopped working today, how long would I survive? Lesson 3: Mind Your Own Business Financial struggle is often directly the result of people working all their life for someone else. Poor people work for the government (taxes) or for the bank. Most people spend their whole lives making someone else rich. What assets should you acquire? Business that do not require your presence (careful, 90% of companies fail within 5 years) Stocks Bonds Mutual funds Income-generating real estate Notes (IOUs) Royalties from intellectual property such as music, scripts, patents With small companies, my strategy is to be out of stock in a year. With real estate, I start small and keep trading the properties for bigger and bigger properties, delaying paying taxes on gain. I usually hold real estate less than 7 years. Rich people buy luxuries last, whereas poor people buy luxuries first. Lesson 4: The History of Taxes and the Power of Corporations In real reality, the rich are not taxed. It’s the middle-class who pays for the poor, especially the educated upper-income middle-class. Originally the only taxes that existed were levied in times of war (Britain vs Napoleon 1799-1816, and US Civil War 1861-1865). Income tax became permanent in England in 1874 and in the US in 1913. It had taken them 50 years after the Boston Tea Party to sell the idea of permanent taxes to the people. It only worked because the masses believed in the Robin Hood theory of economics. But the government’s appetite for money was so great that taxes soon had to also be levied on the middle-class. In reality, no matter what the “Take from the rich” crowd comes up with, the rich always find a way to outsmart them. They hire smart attorneys and accountants, persuade politicians to change laws, create legal loopholes. The people who lose are uninformed- they wake up every day, work hard and pay taxes. If they understood the rules of the game the rich play, they could play it too. The biggest bully is not the boss or the supervisor but the tax man. He will always take more if you let him. Rich Dad paid ltso to accountants. He knew the law because he abided by it. He knew it because it was expensive not to know it. If you know you are right, then you are not afraid of fighting back. Financial IQ is made of 4 areas of expertise: Accounting, financial literacy Investing Understanding markets The law – it makes the difference between someone walking and someone flying. Tax advantages Unlike people, corporations can pay expenses before paying taxes Protection from lawsuits Try to set up a corporation as soon as you can Lesson 5: The Rich Invent Money The only thing that holds us back is not the lack of technical information but some degree of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence. Your balls determine your future much more than your grades. In the real world, it’s not the smart that get ahead but the bold. Students should really learn to take risks, be bold and let their genius convert that fear into power and brilliance. I would rather be welcoming change than dreading it. I would rather be excited of making millions than dreading not getting a raise. Today, so many people struggle because they cling to old ideas. Many people play CASHFLOW (the game) and complain opportunities are not coming their way, so they just sit there. Some people get the right opportunity and say they don’t have enough money. So they just sit there. Some have both an opportunity and the money and they fail to see the opportunity. This is the most common scenario. They find about it one year later and it’s too late already. Few people realize that luck is just created. If you are the kind of person who is waiting for the right thing to happen, you might wait for a long time. That is like waiting for all the traffic lights to be green for 5 miles before starting the trip. Putting money aside is not bad but it blinds you from what is really going on. Kiyosaki began shopping at the bankruptcy attorney’s office of the courthouse steps to get cheap houses. Financial intelligence is made of these 4 skills: Financial literacy – the ability to read numbers Invesment strategies The market- supply and demand The law The really hot deals are not offered to people who are novices. Often, the best deals that make the rich even richer are reserved for those who understand the game. It is illegal to offer someone who is considered not sophisticated such speculative deals, but of course, it happens. Kiyosaki likes to buy high-risk speculative private companies that are just about to go public on a stock exchange in the US or Canada. We learn to walk by falling down. If we never fell down, we would never walk. The same is true for learning to ride a bike. I still have scars from falling but now I can ride a bike without thinking. The main reason so few people are rich is because they are afraid of losing. Winners aren’t afraid of losing, losers are. Failure is part of the success. People who avoid failure also avoid success. There are 2 kind of investors: Some buy pre-packaged deals, like you take a computer from a shelf. They call a real estate company, financial planner or stockbroker who sells them a mutual fund, a REIT, stock, bond. That is ok Some create investments: they assemble opportunities together, put components of a computer together. If you want to create personalized investments, you need to : Learn to find an opportunity everyone else has missed. One friend bought a really shitty house because it came with 4 extra empty lots, tore the house down and sold the lots to a builder. Learn to raise money. Learn to buy houses without a bank. Learn to buy a house by “tying it up” with a written contract between buyer and seller, give it to the buyer and only get money for bringing the deal to him Learn to organize smart people There is always risk, so learn to manage it instead of avoiding it. Lesson 6: Work to Learn, Don’t Work for Money The first thing to learn is sales. Kiyosaki is not a best-writing author, he is a best-selling author. Most people are just one skill away from great wealth. Get a second job in a multilevel marketing company, they have excellent training programs that help people get over their fear of failure and rejection. In school and the workplace, people want to specialize. If you do that then try to work for a company that is unionized. Unions protect specialized workers because they cannot transfer their skills to another industry. Pilots and teachers can’t find other jobs. So, they highly specialize, then unionize. Rich Dad says to do the exact opposite. You want to know a little about a lot. Groom yourself. Corporations groom young business school graduates who will one day run the company. These young people never specialize and are moved from department to department to learn all the aspect of the business. The second thing to learn is leadership. Often workers work just hard enough not to be fired and owners pay just enough so they don’t quit. Life is like going to the gym. The most painful part is deciding to go. Everyone can make a better burger than McDonald’s- but if you can, why are not richer than McDonald’s? The reason so many talented people are poor are because they focus on building a better hamburger and know little to nothing about business systems. They focus on making a better hamburger instead of learning the kills of selling and delivering them. In other words, the main management skills are: The management of cash-flow The management of systems (including yourself and time with family) The management of people The most important specialized skills are sales and understanding marketing. It is the ability to sell – therefore, to communicate with another human being, be it a customer, employee, boss, spouse or child- that is the base skill of personal success. Writing, speaking, negotiating are crucial to a life of success. It’s difficult for most people due to their fear of rejection. The better you are at communicating, negotiating and handling your fear of rejection, the easier life is. Leaders give. Rich Dad gave lots of money away to charities. He knew that to receive money, you need to give money. Giving money is the secret to most wealthy families- the Rockefeller Foundation, the Ford Foundation Beginnings Overcoming Obstacles There are 5 reasons why financially literate people still do not develop large assets: Fear All rich people have lost money. But lots of poor people have never lose a dime investing. If you hate risk and worry... start early. You must start early and definitely set up a retirement plan and you should hire a financial planner you trust to guide you before investing in anything. The greatest reason for lack of financial success is that people play it too safe. People are so afraid of losing that they lose. The pain of losing money is bigger for them than the joy of being rich. The Texans lost Fort Alamo and turned it into a business that makes millions every year. Texans don’t bury their failures; Americans didn’t bury Pearl Harbor; they turned them into rallying cries- “Remember Pearl Harbor!”. That is what makes them better. For winners, losing inspires them. For losers, losing defeats them. Rockefeller said: I always try to turn every disaster into an opportunity. This is the secret that loser to not know. Failure defeats losers and inspires winners. Winners hate to lose but are unafraid to lose. Most people are so afraid of losing money that they lose by playing too small. They buy big houses and cars, but not big investments. They have cash in CDs, low-yield bonds, mutual funds from a mutual fund family, and a few individual stocks. It’s not the winning portfolio, it is the portfolio of someone playing not to lose. They end up getting broke over a simple duplex If you have little money and want to get rich, you must start by being focused, not balanced. Nobody successful started balanced. Balanced people go nowhere, they stay in one spot. You must focus. Put a lot of eggs in a few baskets. Cynicism Lots of people say it won’t work despite having no background and who buyer’s remorse and back out of deals. Tax liens certificates can make you 16% but people will tell you they are risky, while themselves making no more than 5%. Doubt is expensive. The real world is simply waiting for you to get rich. Only a person’s doubt keeps them poor. Getting out of the rat race is technically easy. It doesn’t take much education, but those doubts are cripplers for most people. Cynics criticize and winners analyze. Criticism blinds while analysis opens eyes. Real estate is a great tool to escape the rat race, but people say they don’t want to fix toilets instead of shopping for a property manager who fixed toilets for them. Property managers are key to success in real estate. Finding a good manager is more important than the estate itself. They also often hear of good deals before real estate agents, which makes them very valuable. Most people don’t make money because they choose not to lose money. One of his friends complained oil prices would rise, so Kiyosaki bought lots of shares in oil and made big profits. Most people don’t do that because they don’t know about a “stop”, a computer command that sells if the price drops- which is a great tool for those terrified of losing. Colonel Sanders started at 66 and got rejected 1,009 times before he finally made it and founded KFC. Laziness Today many people use being busy as a way not to take care of their health or their wealth and avoid things they know they have to do. If you remind them, they respond with anger or irritation. That is laziness by staying busy. The cure for laziness is a little greed. Habits The poor pay their bills first. The rich pay themselves first (see The Richest Man in Babylon) Arrogance Many people won’t learn Getting Started It’s really easy to find great deals, it really is, it’s like riding a bike. It’s wobbly at first and then it’s a piece of cake. It is the determination to go through the wobbling that makes the difference. There is gold everywhere, most people are just not trained to see it. In a day, he can find 5 good deals whereas someone else in the same neighborhood would find none. Most people just work hard and hand the excess to their broker. But I don’t want to work all my life, be an employee, miss football games and not even be able to pass on my money to my children because of taxes. I want to be free to travel, control my time and life. I want money to work for me. Invest first in education Most people buy investments instead of learning about investing. Go to seminars. Kiyosaki goes to seminars at least 2 a year. Just because you bought a house or 2 doesn’t make you an expert. Choose your friends His 3 friends who have become billionaires report that their friends who have no money never ask them how they did it. They ask them for a loan or a job. Most people listen to the expert saying the market will crash. But surfers know there is always another wave Wise investors buy an investment when it’s not popular, when it’s not famous. Your rich friends know where the money is made. And they have lots of insider information for you to use. Become master of one formula and then learn a new one You become what you study. Kiyosaki took a class on how to buy real estate foreclosures, made millions, and when it became too mainstream decided to attend classes for derivative traders. Today it’s not what you know, it’s how fast you learn. Pace yourself People with low self-esteem and low tolerance for financial pressure can never be rich. The world will push you around. The three most important skills for you to start your own business are: Learning to manage cash flow Learning to manage people Learning to manage personal time Pay yourself first, bills later. It will put pressure on you to find solutions. Build up assets first before buying a house or car. When you come up short, let the pressure build and don’t dip into your savings or investments. The rich know that savings are only to create more money, not to pay bills. If you’re not tough inside, the world will always push you around. Pay your brokers well It’s hard to find competent people. A broker is your eyes on the market. People tip waiters 15% and try to stiff their broker who is working for their assets, that is financially unintelligent. Most brokers are just salespeople, especially in real estate, even if they don’t even own any assets themselves. There is a big difference between the one who sells houses and the one who sells investments. You need to kiss many frogs to find the prince. When interviewing a professional, ask them how much property or stocks they personally own and what percentage they pay in taxes. That applies to tax attorneys as well as accountants. If you cut their commission, they won’t want to be around you. Many middle managers never rise because they only know to manage people less competent than them. Learn handle smarter people. Corporations have a board of directors for that. You should have one too. Poor people are more greedy than rich people. They want to get and not to give. Chapter 10: More To-Dos Stop doing what you are doing and ask yourself if it is working. Look for new ideas. For investing ideas, Kiyosaki goes to the bookstore and looks for books on different and unique subjects, and buys stuff he knows nothing about. You can find bargains in an attorney’s office and in banks. Find someone who has done what you want to do and take them to lunch. For the 16% tax lien certificate, K went to the tax office and invited the employee. He read the book in 1 day, took action in a day, an hour for lunch, one day to acquire 2 great deals. Take classes and go to seminars. Make lots of offers. Nobody knows the real price. It’s a game. Most sellers buy too much. You can offer half. People who are not investors have no idea what it feels like to be trying to sell something. Many people are very happy to sell, no matter how low the price. Always make offers with escape clauses. In real estate, K adds a clause “subject to approval of business partner”. The business partner is his cat. Jog or walk in the same area. Notice change over the weeks: real estate signs that stay for a long time. Look at the moving trucks. Talk to the postal carriers. They know a lot of information Find a bad area, especially an area that the news have scared people away from. Look for signs of thigs changing for the better: when a retailer moves in, talk to them and find out why they are moving in. Peter Lynch – Beating the Street (book) Napoleon Hill – Think and Grow Rich K looks for people who want to buy first, then he looks for someone who wants to sell. He found a piece of land larger than the one his friend wanted to buy, so he tied it with an option, sold the land to him and he kept the remaining land for free. Buy the pie and cut the pieces. Most people look too small. They only buy one piece of the pie and end up paying more for less. Small thinkers don’t get the big breaks. If you want to get richer, think bigger first. Retailers love giving volume discounts, because everyone likes big spenders. So even if you are small, you can think big- call your friends and buy something together. K’s friend found a house for 102K and offered 79K for it. The owner had a non-qualifying loan on it- which means even a bum could buy it without a banker’s approval. The owner owed 72K so all the friend had to find was 7K (??). A few yers later, he sold on a 1031 tax-deferred exchange. The idea that it takes money to make money is the thinking of financially unsophisticated people. K turned 5K in 1M in just 6 years. It’s not that hard. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. With every dollar bill that enters your hand, you have the power to choose your destiny. Spendit foolishly, you choose to be poor. Spend it on liabilities, you join the middle class. Invest it in your mind and learn to acquire assets. Most people go to school to learn to be employed or self-employed. They don’t learn to be business owners or investors or generate passive income or portfolio income. Investors make more money because they know how to protect themselves from mlosses. Risk comes from now knowing what you are doing. Take responsibility for your finances or take orders all your life. You’re either a master of money or a slave to it. Awaken the financial genius within you. Your genius is waiting to come out.
  9. Hi guys, many of you know I've been on a studying streak recently. I am currently listening to Jim Rohn - this guy is damn good. Here he is speaking about having a journal and reflecting. I am still trying to understand if if these things are 2 separate things or the same one for him. Does anyone of you hold a journal? Do you write in it every day? Any thoughts on that excerpt ?
  10. I am writing this FR really late, as my BC with Kane in Shanghai took place more than 3 weeks ago. This being said, I have decided to use it as a work base for my future interactions by summarizing the main points covered in a ready-to-use format. Anyway my BC with Kane was great and itw as an eye-opener to many way sin which i addressed the world of pickup and dating. The format of the BC was pretty heavy, with 2 days and 2 nights out and it did yield some interesting results and realizations. I probably approached more girls in a weekend that I had in the last 5 years and I gained a lot from interacting with Kane. I had some big eye-opening realizations, namely in terms of assuming your sexuality and conveying sexual intent was perfectly acceptable as long as it was done in a way that was both entertaining and leading. This was another realization : the fact that in general, as even more importantly in Asia, male and female roles and more clearly defined and it is normal that you run the game from soup to nuts. This means relying less on IOIs as in the West, as well as less feeding from female input in order to lie down the dominoes. Generally speaking, I saw the importance of having a strong logistical frame in order to always be pushig forward to the next step. This was a huge realization for me, who often struggles with confidence and assertiveness issues. It turns out that leading, pushing to the next step, qualifying, asking for personal information and even kinoing the girls from the very beginning had always been well accepted from them. Crazy ! I also learned from keeping a conversation entertaining, by inputting some humorous elements as well as giving them help to stay in the conversation by giving them examples of potential answers to my questions. Another big takeaway was that several of my mental assumptions were incorrect. It was pretty impressive to realize that most people actually don’t even notice what you are doing and nobody is actually watching (huge realization for me) Another huge realization was like most girls actually enjoyed being approached and didn’t see me as a sexual fiend or deviant. For almost all of them, we were able to have a pleasant interaction and they even enjoyed being kino’ed. Turns out most of them are pretty normal and perfectly approachable. An eye-opener was also being able to get contact details of women I thought were totally out of my league (a beautiful tattooed fashion designer and photographer for example). Another one that was also impressive is that you didn’t need to be perfect and that you could still get away by being good without being great to get results. Or good enough is good enough. The fact that dominance and leadership was key was a huge takeaway from the bootcamp. Since the bootcamp, I have worked on making one approach a day. I often have motivation issues – it comes and goes – so I have decided to replace it with discipline. One approach a day is what I run, no matter what. In 3 weeks, I have made only 2 or 3 exceptions and they were not on consecutive days. This being said, they often didn’t go any further than directions to the next Mc Donalds, which leads me to the next point. In the future, I still have a lot to improve on. I still have huge approach anxiety, which leads me to often hesitate for hours before actually approaching. Unless I have a good element to speak about (a girl’s dress suggests she has been to my countrty, etc.), another big issue that I have is getting stuck on the opener. I always find it hard to transition from the opener to the next step – (BT spikes and qualification). I also struggle to have fun interacitons with girls when they are the ones creating loops – such as asking ‘What do you think of me ?’ My difficulties in creating my own loops and running the whole game often gets me stuck and therefore leads to me ejecting early. In the future, I know I shouldn’t eject before Qualification and PIE but I’m still struggling with finding a clear structure that is learnt almost by heart and that I can use in any situation. In the future, I also want to work on my inner game . Redpole Q namely hinted that I do tend to send the wrong messages and set different expectations than the ones that I am actually looking for and that I tend to end up in situations where I wake up with someone who seems to be in a close and intimate LTR and with hugh expectations out of me, even though that isn’t necessary what I was looking for in the first place. Another aspect I want to improve is using my new skills to communicate more efficiently in professional areas of my life, namely with my students (I teach a lot), neighbors, female friends and so on. Having used BT spikes and kino on an Airbnb guest actually created a really quick connection, which I had never experienced before speaking for hours in the past. I really wish I could apply this to more areas of my life – even all the way to joking with taxi drivers or people who don’t « matter ». In the future I also want to work on being a better wingman for my friends, being able to create a group dynamic, involve a whole group, keep obstacles away from targets for more than 2 minutes. Another aspect I need to improve on is moving girls, especially with kino’ing is hard. This is a bit harder when you are afraid to ‘disturb’ or bother ‘see assertiveness issues) but I do hope this will improve as I run more approaches. I also need to work on my hero stories. There are several successes I’m proud of but I don’t know exactly how to make a great hero story out of them. On top of my head : - Speaking 6 languages - Being always learning - Having uncommon skills – magic, accordion, piano, guitar, hacking, virtually perfect geography I also need to be able to verbalize some aspects of my life that haven’t improved as much as I wish they had, namely wasting my life procrastinating depite having several entrepreneurship ideas, being broke (comparatively speaking), not in shape, with poor fashion skills or failing to confront my abusive household I could carry on and on about other takeways and points I want to improve but I have been postponing this FR for more than 3 weeks now as I wanted to use it as a document of reference I could always keep on my phone as in-the-moment cheat list. But once again procrastinating go the better of me so I have accepted to type this in a ‘good enough is good enough’ way. To wrap it up, here are some other points I still want to improve: -Plowing. I still eject too fast from my sets. Usually as soon as I run out of things to say, which is still pretty early in the interaction - sometimes just a few exchanges. Which brings me to the 2nd point -Knowing canned material - the structure is still unclear in my head. I need to memorize once and for all the general structure: -Moving girls when necessary – I like your fingernails, What color are they? Why? I like when girls put effort on their appearance - Approaching girls in a group – I still have no strong idea as how to do that after the ‘introduce me to your friends line’ I am also using this FR as a cheat sheet for the chronological steps to run and therefore intend to practice the following steps to make my game smoother. I am going to take RPQ’s advice and learn it by heart to be able to speak for 5 minutes by myself. 1. Opening, - Appearance : your trousers have holes, did you get in a fight? - You're fearing fur! Did you kill him yourself? What did you use, arrow, knife, bazooka? - When does this place get busy? - Face: your English is really good! I understand your accent very well. - Face: you are friendly. Chinese people are very friendly - Improv Game ( --> don't know how to use that one, especially so early in the interaction) 2. BT Spikes - Where are you from? Mexico, America? No way! - Ooooh, Dongbei girls are dangerous…. They can seduce / bully a man. - What do you do- wait, I'll guess.. McDonald's! ... KFC! ... Pizza Hut! - How old are you? 18?... 17?... 16! You're too young, go away ! - Reverse: you guess where I'm from, guess my age, guess my job. (what do you think I look like? army guy, IT guy?) - Have you been to France?? Have you been to France? Why not? :'( You wanna go there for the frog legs, perfume or handsome guys? What would you do if you went to France tomorrow ? - BS Palmread (you are gonna have 12 kids) - BS Coldread (you work at McDonalds) - We're getting married! Where do we go on our honeymoon? - Appearances: An IELTS book, no wonder your English is so good! You look like the girl on the book - Handshakes to root them: Have you ever been approached by a foreigner before? Today is your opportunity! (keep the hand for a while) DAY GAME - Logistics discovery - What are you doing now? a. (waiting for friend) - Oh, shuaige or meinu? Ooooh, I understand ! I'm waiting for a friend too, we're going to go to Starbucks in 10 minutes (FTC) b. Buying stuff --> (then what?) NIGHT GAME BT SPIKES: - What color are my eyes (stare)? Are you sure? Let me see what color are yours. - Hand Compare (U must be good at massages), Feet Compare, Height Compare (kino opposite shoulder) 3. Qualification = what you like about her - Can you cook? I like women who can take care of their family. - If I gave you a plane ticket right now, where would you go? - If I gave you 1 wan RMB right now, what would you do? Why? Why not X? - Say something you like about her - Ask what she likes about you - Share personal stuff -I like spending time with girls with a beaming smile cuz it makes me feel fuzzy inside. If I have a bad day, I just look at you and feel better. It's like you're my personal ray of sunshine. - You know what I like about you? I like the fact you do things that you think are good and not what just other people tell you to. Many Chinese people just do what their parents say and end up sad and unhappy (for married chicks) 4. PIE, Seed Time Bridge Comfort - Cube Game - If you could achieve one dream in life, what would it be? - How would you feel? You see, the real goal is this feeling. You've just had it. You can die happy now. - Non-judgmental story: a family member got pregnant, I was the only one to support her because other people aren't the ones dealing with the problem at the end of the day (married chicks) - Hero story (in Comfort, right guys?) - making it to a business school despite failing 2 levels, following a girl I was crazy about to America when I was 17 and working illegally (dunno if I should tell a story involving another girl though) - Weakness: SEDUCTION - ASD = because of how she feels about herself (solution = qualification??) --> - Do you like guitar? Playing or listening? If you've got time, I'll show you a little. Come check it out and I 'll send you home after (plausible deniability) - LMR = lack of comfort and qualification --> - We're friends and friends give the best to each other. You're an emotional vampire- I give you value, why don't you care about me? - I know you have a husband, I don't want you to cheat on him. If you just bang a random guy that's cheating. Future readings: - The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida - The Sex God Method, Daniel Rose Also - The Power of Myth - The Hero with 1,000 Faces - Boing Boing Stoicism - Guide to the Good Life GENERAL TIPS - Give them an experience of being driven by a bus - know your logistics and the next step - Give them assistance & suggestions for conversation (France? Is it for the frog legs, the perfumes or the handsome French men?) - TEXTING SEMINAR - I have a boyfriend  I have a rabbit. Last but not least, the bootcamp (followed by the texting seminar) was a great step in my life. However, there was no way I could reach the level I wanted in just a weekend and it turns out that it was less of a new life than a first step into a new world, where I must keep improving very day. In other terms, I thought it would be a race I could finish in 48 hours, but it turned out to be the beginning of a marathon. I am very glad to be part of the community. I hope it can give me the motivation that I need to keep running in this marathon. I look forward to meeting the guys again. I have gone out already twice since the bootcamp for both night game and day game and both were TERRIBLE – couldn’t get a single reaction at Le Baron (and even got punched by a boyfriend) and yesterday’s day game at Xintiandi was also pretty lame as I struggled with AA and ended up just making a comment to 3 girls before ejecting. – said the three of them together looked like a French flag, to which they laughed and said they had seen Jackson and I in a shop a bit earlier in the afternoon. Sounds like they actually wanted to be approached, hah. Long stories short, this bootcamp was GREAT but I am already pretty close to getting stuck now. Thanks everyone for reading, thanks to Kane for his patience and guidance, thanks to RedpoleQ for his time and expertise and thanks to the guys for making this possible and giving me the motivation to try to get to your level. Cheers!
  • Create New...