New York

Ok, so the week is basically over now - Hard to structure my summary. There's a larger context here that I didn't mention above. I have been thinking about ways to be more 'in the moment' and/or active or creative . . . the idea being that I need to find more ways to invest in and focus intellectual energy. I tend to get very wrapped up 'in my own head.' More on that below . . . Let me start with one thing I learned that was immensely valuable. That is that I was able to overcome my paralysis alone at the mall by using . . . WARM UP SETS. In other words, if I was feeling shitty or non-approachy I would find someone (even if it's a less-than-super-hottie) and ask where the Starbucks was. It's a low risk opener that works for basically everyone. The result was I was connecting to someone. And from there I was much happier opening more sets. I did this twice, each for about an hour. And it resulted in some good and some bad interactions, lots of wechat closes, and several blowouts. And if I felt like I was losing steam or didn't want to risk, I would go back to the Starbucks opener and generate better 'state' that way. It felt generally sustainable, fun and pressure free. The important point for me was this right here. I've only picked a few to follow up with . . . and that hasnt' gone so great. That's kind of another story . . . ON goals. I ended up setting goals in several areas and organizing my time according to those goals. The goals were this: being awesome in game (1 close and 15 hours in set, including 2 day game 2 night game); Chinese (6 hours total of Chinese study); 4 trips to the gym; figure out next week trip to the US; finish two books; write a chapter in the fiction novell I'm working on; find and apply for five jobs. I also had several business meetings and social events to attend - factors in how I planned to use my time. I just went through and looked at how well I did, and gave myself percent completes for each area. In the 'awesome game' area I failed on the close (0%) and only one night game. BUT including my failed day game I did three of those - and between the four hours of night game, day game and dating a new girl from last week, I easily hit 15 hours 'in set.' So I gave myself a 75% for target. So when I looked at my results, the interesting thing is this: I noticed the 'passive' activities were all 100% - reading books, studying, and going to the gym (which is passive in the sense I'm not really expending mental energy or being social, just pushing some weights and listening to tunes). Some of the things that require me to think - spending more time chasing that close, doing the extra night game, writing, finding and applying for jobs - these things things were all LESS than 100%. To me that suggests I find it all too easy to do 'passive' things that don't require thinking - and need to be better at identifying more active mode activities where I'm being more creative (in the broadest sense). I think the 'stuck in my own head' comes partly from my enjoyment of passive activities - I can go in my head any time and tell myself I've read this or done this - and am therefore awesome. All of which is irrelevant to my goals. Another thing I've learned is that time is really scarce. Perhaps the worst thing about this week is learning that even with 8 days I just don't have time for everything. I'll have to scale back some things going forward. In short: Progress, and some new ideas for how I might improve. Still strengthening the commitment to living an awesome life. Thanks all here for everything - you are awesome.

This is really tough. So, after some thought I went back and identified several goals that I want to accomplish over the now 8 days I have off. Then I tailor made a schedule for accomplishing those goals, with the understanding that the schedule would need some amount of flexibility but the goals were hard. Today was my first scheduled time for day game. I was supposed to go do 'day game' at the village, and be in set most of the time, for three hours. I went to the village, got in line at Starbucks and opened a girl there. Not a good reaction. Then I decided I'd go to the bathroom and on the way out opened two girls. Again, not a great reaction. Then I bought a muffin, then I walked around for ten minutes, bought a coffee and left feeling pissed off. I get that hesitating by getting in line at Starbucks first thing was part of the problem. It just went downhill from there. I started seriously doubting my motivations and feeling like an idiot. The result I wanted, and the skill I want to develop, is to be able to open and hook sets consistently when I'm alone in the village. I think that will take a lot of work, and I think a huge part of the problem ultimately is that I'm still not motivated purely out of just giving/contributing to other people, and instead by my own need for ego gratification. Kind of with that in mind, I was watching what was happening in my mind during the two sets I was in. I feel like the negative reactions were in two parts. Like the sets were saying, in their own minds: 1. Who are you to try and make my day better? 2. I'm confused; fuck off and let me just be unhappy. Anyway. Today is Monday; I'll have another go at this this Wednesday. I'll number one, come up with a better goal other than time spent 'doing game.' It might be number of sets, and per Kane's idea, I'll probably come up with some punishment for myself if I don't hit that. IE: Three hours in set as much as possible, minimum of 15 approaches. And if I leave before then, engage in avoidance behavior or don't hit 15 sets then I have to walk through the mall with my shirt off (this is embarrassing to me) and take 3 cold showers when I get home.

Both Ybbor and RPQ's points about the schedule are well taken. I'll have to adjust, and I'll through up a new one when I do it. I have ambitious goals for reading. That being said, part of why I'm doing this is that I've done 'staycations' before in Beijing. AND I look forward to them, like opportunities to go 'do' tons of game . . . and I end up spending more time reading than I want. I tell myself that I have to read some book or get some knowledge in some area before I can get the success I want. And I want to change that dynamic, more toward just doing it. I think setting goals is absolutely right. The problem with goals is I make them too complex (eg open 15 sets, unless one hooks and you get an insta date then that is 5 dates for every half hour it lasts . . .). And my realy challenge is laziness, like just telling myself I can do game whenever I want and then going home. So there is an implicit goal in this schedule: specific number of hours in set every day. And then I guess my goal in set would be to push it as far that day as possible, moving toward even SNL, or time bridging. Does that make sense? I have a suspicion it mostly makes sense, but needs more refining still . . .

Hi guys, Need some help. Let me know first of all if you think this is the right place on the forum for this. More importantly: Is this a good idea? And am I thinking about it in the right way? I’ll likely have a week off work next week. That’s 9 days back to back, bookended by two weekends. I’m working to think of the absolute best way to use my time, even at the risk of being OCD about disciplined time management. Just because 9 days is a hugely valuable chunk of time. My goal is to push myself in every direction, and take action to reach my goals, which are broadly: -Learn to focus, and direct my energy outward -Keep reaching for higher standards and better quality of life (including improving my game) -Move toward a better career -Write a book So I put together a daily schedule I can use to maximize my time. There might be some differences between weekend nights (Friday and Saturday) and weekdays (Sun thru Thurs) but it would basically look something like this: 10-12: Gym 12-2: Chinese study 2-3: Work 3-4: Job search 4-7: Day game (goal is being in set as much as possible) 7-9: Reading 9-10: Writing 10-2: Night game (goal is being in set as much as possible) My biggest question is whether this make sense. I also wonder about other ways to organize my time doing game. Like, is the goal of ‘being in set as much as possible’ is ideal or if there are other things/ challenges I should be focusing on. Ideas?

Mixed feelings about this sarge, on the day of mid autumn festival. Before beginning to write I think I already know I should not have ejected when I did. And that's probably the hardest part . . . regret and also thinking how hard this is. I think Kane might have some good ideas on how I should have used frames here. I realize now that I let her subtle frame - maybe that she wanted to be alone and I should go - win. I met this girl at the crosswalk going into the village. I noticed her great legs - thin and nicely shaped, they started with a pair of brown leather ankle high heeled mini boots and ended in a tight pair of jean shorts. Up top was a knit sweater just enough to hint at a great pair. And when I turned her around, she had the cute/sexy face of an angel. She was all good, everywhere. In short, it was love. But not for long . . . I think my opener was something like, "Hey, uh, you're pretty cute." And then names and then, as we finally get across the street I tell her to stop and we chat for a while. Blah Blah. She says she was planning to go get some coffee, and I suggest we head to Starbucks. Ok . . . During the 200 yard walk to Starbucks I start to feel as if I've already lost a little control. She is walking maybe a step faster than I am, there's no kino and it's a little apparent we're not 'together.' In the store the same thing as we buy our coffees . . . though she lets me pay. We make our way upstairs and find two open seats and I lead her to sit down. In less than a minute, two seats nearby and next to the window open up. She says, let's sit there. Knowing Chinese crowds, I bolt up and move into the seats. I smile and sit down, motioning for her to come over. She's smirking. I feel kind of like a tool, and perhaps that I've lost a little control. It didn't help that the seats were across from each other and . . . no touching would be involved. She wouldn't tell me what she did for a living (I still ask sometimes now in qualification, where it should be). She said instead that it had to do with design. Later I would discover she's basically an ernai, a 'second tit' - mistress to a wealthy dude. She also wouldn't tell me what her plans were that afternoon. I asked if she planned to meet friends and how long she planned to stay in the village. No real direct answer. More importantly, at this point we started this dynamic whereby I would ask her a question and she would respond politely enough to keep the conversation going but not enough to actually be investing. I fell out of love quickly, and started instead to think of ways that would make her fall in love. She told me she had just gone to the Lama Temple to burn incense. So I learned that she's in a weird mood. It's mid autumn festival, she went to temple alone and had a spiritual experience and now is in Starbucks talking to a stranger. Have you ever had a boyfriend? I ask. Of course. What about now? Well . . . She asks if I'm married, and I said no. Did I have a sister? Yes. Is she married? Aha! An opportunity to tell her a story about love. I told her about my sis and her hubby, how they met in college and dated four years, then got married right after graduating. Then about how my parents met in Paris . . . Then the big long story about my grandma finding her high school sweetheart after sixty five years and finally marrying him at the age of 83. None of this inspired her to really think about love, apparently. She was, now, though ready to tell me about her 'boyfriend' situation. He's 37. I guess: he's married. You're right she says. Hmm . . . Then she says: He's really manly. A manly man. I can't help thinking she's trying to say something more about me than him. I'm falling more out of love, and feel this is not fun. More attraction! I throw her a story about my motorcycle (now gone) that always gets a few laughs. She laughs. But nothing serious. Bounce! I tell her it's time to get out of her. That she needs some excitement. Let's go for a walk, maybe buy DVDs together. No, you can go. Shit! Come on, let's go. No. So at this point I didn't really know what to do. There may have been another five minutes in there that were so so but all in all it was lame. Then she told me her friend was on the way. Girl or guy? Girl. Cool, I'll stick around and we can hang out. No, better if we are by ourselves. We have something to discuss. So at this point I was demoralized. I basically got her wechat, sent her an invite, did and awkward kiss on her cheek, and left. She never accepted my wechat invite. I felt as though I had just experienced a 45 minute slow motion train wreck, but also kind of stoked about spending that time on an insta date with such a hot girl. I spent the next hour in a funk, not opening sets and generally being unhappy. What I did well: 1. Found and opened a girl that I was super attracted to 2. Thinking on my feet - willingness to go for an insta date 3. Non-needy attitude. I didn't feel needy or pressured 4. Continued to push in a set, when I may have been tempted to wechat close quickly and get out of there in the past. Things I did poorly: 1. No kino 2. No controlling her walking, as in on the way to Starbucks should have been more in command 3. Lacking Bt spikes and fun in general - I was in a really mellow mood and so was she, after burning incense. So it was 'cool' but very little 'pop' . . . and I should have changed that. 4. Terrible qualification. She was in a 'I just went to temple and burned incense' sort of mood, like she was almost in this state above needing any sort of qualification, and I picked up on that. I also had trouble finding anything really interesting about her . . . 5. Giving up. I should have stayed in the set when her friend came. That's all there is to it.

Ok this is exactly what I needed to hear. Mostly because I realize now I was thinking about state in the wrong way. For instance I would use not being in state as an excuse not to approach (I have started to work on this by forcing myself to approach one girl a day, basically ensuring that I'm not in state . . . and, at least with regard to making the decision to approach, taking the right actions nonetheless). I get now, though, that what's wrong with that thinking is that you're telling yourself 1) that you need state to take action (not true) AND 2) that state will guarantee the results (also not true). . . . and constantly looking for state to do these things is exactly that: mental laziness. I probably was never really in control of this set. And if I'm honest, this set could just as easily be read as her using me for validation and/or fun or whatever. On your points. There was little time for a proper exchange of information. We were dancing so hard that it just didn't happen. I realize I should have either made it happen or created a better opportunity. And that's the problem again: I was not in control of the set, so when I went for a bounce to a quieter place (where that would happen) she did not go. The buddy seemed to be doing fine. His girl was in fact hotter than mine. The open happened so randomly I didn't have time to pick one. I wonder what would have happened if we had switched. I did time bridge, but it was late in the set and . . . she apparently forgot the next day when we texted. I have ADD or something. There's something else going on here that I want to get to the bottom of. I don't give a shit about much of what happens around me. It's becoming a problem to the point that it's annyong me. Focus is one part of it . . . the other part is total narcissism. I'm really interested in shifting major gears in life to quit focusing on myself and focusing on others instead. And so on to your last point: This is difficult. Especially since so much of what I've learned doing pickup is around the idea of just feeling good. And that's a pretty simple indicator of success. I feel good = success. And thinking about what she needs, for instance, to make the move to my place or whatever, is a potential threat to that success. In that moment, I would rather believe what I've told myself (that I actually AM the shit and could fuck any girl in the world hahhahahahah!) than expose myself to truth: I still have a lot of work to do, just in this set.

Hi guys. We're planning to meet at QMex Thursday night, sept 11, at 7:30. Please come by to enjoy the new QMex ~ new menu and new digs. Plus a chance to catch up with the guys and share stories from The Field. See you there. QMex is on Sanlitun south street, south from the Sanlitun village

Update here. We texted a couple times Sunday (the day after). She had apparently forgotten much of the conversation (including for example that I live in the same part of Beijing as her) AND that we set up a meet on Monday. Mentioning she was busy Monday I moved it to Thursday, then was dissappointed when she did not follow up on those. It's basically dead now. I'll probably put her on the list of those I ping randomly every once in a while. I still feel like the biggest lesson here is about state. Not sure what exactly it is though? Also think there are lessons to learn about SNL momentum and success/failure of an aggressive SNL setup in closing later if it doesn't close that night. ALSO think about how easy it is to remember later on (ie now, after deciding to take her off my immediate list) that she's fatter and older than I typically go for . . .

Kane. The only thing that could be better about this is if you memorialized her titties in plastercast and sent them to me with a package of fun guy. You are the shit. My hero. And you convinced me to get a hostel every weekend. How's that for validation honky. 'She went to the shower' . . . I'm not really clear about the shower thing. Had she already decided to take a shower before your joke about the shower? Like maybe she was already dressed in room-to-shower clothes? The after-the-fact good girl qualifier is awesome. Were you qualifying her otherwise?

I asked Kane to do a half bootcamp with me two weeks ago. It was excellent. Mostly it was just good having Kane around. Cuz he’s the shit. Some of the things it was good to bounce off him were: 1. Motivations (ie I’m motivated my ego gratification, good but not always ideal). This relates to . . . 2. Being willing to go out alone 3. Framing 4. Escalating/ sexualizing 5. State and getting state through taking action (and not NOT taking action because you’re not in state) So this FR says to me that I’m on the right track. Of course there’s still much to improve upon, but nonetheless I hope this goes part of the way in saying thank you . . . It seems an important part of this report is that I was really in state while in set. I feel that’s important because 1) It suggests improvement in reaching state, which is itself a skill and 2) it unlocked a whole set of beliefs that haven’t otherwise been available. More about that below. ---------------------------------------------------- Saturday Night. Some guys from the Elvis WeChat group (if you’re not a part send me your wechat ID and I’ll add you) went to The View for a themed party there. It was ok. My plan was to be there for a while then to Mix – especially as I told Kane I would practice opening sets in nightgame, and even if I was just there for a short time. Stuff happened, though, and it rained. So some of the guys went home and I was left a friend who I’ll call ‘Jake,’ who is just passing through China (9 months) for a job. With the rain we were lucky to get a cab, and went to Xiu, which was closer and logistically more simple. On the way in to Xiu with Jake, I’m telling myself the goal is just to open. And if I could just slug through three opens I can reevaluate – and am totally free to just go home. Perhaps in the past I was telling myself YOU HAVE TO BE IN SET AND DO THIS AND DO THAT AND IF YOU GO HOME ALONE YOU SUCK. I guess it’s like overanalyzing your golf swing. Don’t think too much. Better to just ‘swing’ naturally! And let the follow through happen on its own. The first set was good fun. I opened with a Kane approve shake-spin-spin. Good, high energy. She giggled and pointed to her husband, standing next to her. He smiled and waved back and we all had a big hug. No expectations here; just people joking around and having fun. I went back to Jake and told him the story, laughing. We hung out for a little while and just enjoyed the atmosphere. --------------------------------------------------------- Then noticed these two chicks on the dance floor. I opened my girl with a double five down low. It worked. She grabbed my hand and spun herself. Then I spun myself, and that cracked her up. Being only slightly more talented than her, owing to a few months of salsa lessons, there was a good dynamic: OK not the best dancing but I’m teaching her a few moves and it generally flows well. Smiles and fun all around. Jake is in set with his girl. I didn’t notice right away, but his girl would end up less than happy with him and want out of the set . . . Right off the bat, though, the four of us had the dancefloor to ourselves. This is where it got really fun. Basically I just really enjoyed feeling that everyone was watching me totally blow this girl’s mind. I could see the eyes of most of the bar on me, and most of them were staring jealously. It was like there was no dancefloor. Why dance when these four are more fun to watch? It was basically the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Even the place looked different! Here are some of the beliefs that I think were operating: 1. Me and my girl are the center of attention, and everyone is watching 2. The rest of the bar is maybe jealous – but more importantly excited by how much fun we’re having and actually rooting us on 3. No one is going to bash my head with a rock for doing any of this 4. I can’t go wrong – everything I do is flawless and it hits 5. I can basically have any girl in the bar I want So there was plenty of attraction just throwing her around the dancefloor. When the music slowed I had some time for a just little qualification and comfort. She’s a lawyer, works a lot. I asked her why she does that and qualified her on that. Then I told her I was going to regret it, but I’ve decided to marry a lawyer. Me? Yes you! Haha. She giggled and held out her pinky. In a few minutes she decided to go to the bathroom. I was massively keyed up, totally in state. And feeling unstoppable. I used the time she was in the bathroom to wechat close this African girl right in front of the bar. Just because I could, really. -------------------------------------------------------------------- She came back and we dropped right in again dancing. For the next half hour I basically did three things. 1. Attraction: Being dominant dancing with her and kinoing her. Jokes and whispering shit into her ear 2. Sexualization: I basically kept telling her the shit I wanted to do to her naked body. And matched it with some kino. I walked my hands between her tits and said I can’t wait to put the rest of me here. 3. Qualification: Telling her every so often I like smart girls, etc She was generally enjoying the whole thing. I was cognizant she was a little older and maybe not used to the attention. She also told me at a couple points she just wanted to dance tonight. These two things in my mind might have slowed me down a year ago. This time they didn’t. I just kept pushing. About this time I was starting to get a little bored and looking for an opportunity to bounce. She said she didn’t want to leave her friend. So that reminded me . . . I should check in with Jake. I went over and talked with him, giving the girls an opportunity to get together. His girl seemed anxious to get away, and they talked for a little while. When I got back with my girl, she told me her friend thought Jake was boring, and that I should do something to liven him up. Not the end of the world. I tried a few times to get them dancing more, and threw some shit his way to talk to her about. Didn’t seem to do much and the girls kept on getting together for girl chats, which I would have to break up. Finally, Jake left somewhere with his girl. I grabbed mine and headed for the elevator. I was really trying to make this happen. No, she says. I’m drunk! I feel drunk too, baby! But you’re not that drunk. And look at me, not a drop. Oh . . . I find out she lives nearby me, so even better for a bounce to a bar across the street from my apartment. I go for that but no cigar. She is still wanting to go back to her friend. So I bring her back into the bar. At this point I’m feeling ok. Not confident I’m going to make it happen tonight, but thinking it’s still possible, if I just persist. We go in and find Jake’s girl. She’s with two other guys. Introductions go around. Decent guys, I guess. Everything is fine. And then: my girl says the guys are taking the two of them to karaoke. Really? I really didn’t want to move locations when I was having so much fun in Xiu. And go to an environment where it might be other guys in charge and/or treating me. Or worse: they’ve set the whole thing up AND ask me to pay for it. And karaoke bores me. I was less concerned that she would have fun with these guys and/or that something would happen. Regardless, I said no to karaoke. ------------------------------------------------------------- I opened a few other sets, and they hooked but I was not into it. I wanted that magic to last forever . . . I left and Jake came with me. Me and the girl chatted on wechat when I got back to the apartment and even said we’d meet up again Monday. She since moved that back to Thursday. So we’ll see what happens. Looking forward to it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things I did well: 1. Opening – high energy and fun 2. I was very nonneedy and unconcerned with the outcome as we entered the bar, and I think that carried into the set 3. Huge state 4. Owning the dancefloor 5. Sexualizing Things to improve on: 1. How to reframe the “I just want to dance” 2. Isolate – in there I had tried to isolate into one of the rooms off the side, but no luck 3. Helping a buddy in his set when it’s not going so well 4. Willingness to head out in a group to another club. Frankly I was exhausted and pissed it wasn’t going to go smoothly into a lay BUT I do think this was a fine decision and actually helped me look not needy, for whatever it was worth 5. Motivation – Basically I gave up after the set