The Good Girls at Xiu (Thanks Kane)

[New York]

I asked Kane to do a half bootcamp with me two weeks ago. It was excellent. Mostly it was just good having Kane around. Cuz he’s the shit.

 

Some of the things it was good to bounce off him were:

1. Motivations (ie I’m motivated my ego gratification, good but not always ideal). This relates to . . .

2. Being willing to go out alone

3. Framing

4. Escalating/ sexualizing

5. State and getting state through taking action (and not NOT taking action because you’re not in state)

 

So this FR says to me that I’m on the right track. Of course there’s still much to improve upon, but nonetheless I hope this goes part of the way in saying thank you . . .

 

It seems an important part of this report is that I was really in state while in set. I feel that’s important because 1) It suggests improvement in reaching state, which is itself a skill and 2) it unlocked a whole set of beliefs that haven’t otherwise been available. More about that below.

 

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Saturday Night. Some guys from the Elvis WeChat group (if you’re not a part send me your wechat ID and I’ll add you) went to The View for a themed party there. It was ok. My plan was to be there for a while then to Mix – especially as I told Kane I would practice opening sets in nightgame, and even if I was just there for a short time.

 

Stuff happened, though, and it rained. So some of the guys went home and I was left a friend who I’ll call ‘Jake,’ who is just passing through China (9 months) for a job. With the rain we were lucky to get a cab, and went to Xiu, which was closer and logistically more simple.

 

On the way in to Xiu with Jake, I’m telling myself the goal is just to open. And if I could just slug through three opens I can reevaluate – and am totally free to just go home. Perhaps in the past I was telling myself YOU HAVE TO BE IN SET AND DO THIS AND DO THAT AND IF YOU GO HOME ALONE YOU SUCK. I guess it’s like overanalyzing your golf swing. Don’t think too much. Better to just ‘swing’ naturally! And let the follow through happen on its own.

 

The first set was good fun. I opened with a Kane approve shake-spin-spin. Good, high energy. She giggled and pointed to her husband, standing next to her. He smiled and waved back and we all had a big hug. No expectations here; just people joking around and having fun.

 

I went back to Jake and told him the story, laughing. We hung out for a little while and just enjoyed the atmosphere.

 

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Then noticed these two chicks on the dance floor. I opened my girl with a double five down low. It worked. She grabbed my hand and spun herself. Then I spun myself, and that cracked her up. Being only slightly more talented than her, owing to a few months of salsa lessons, there was a good dynamic: OK not the best dancing but I’m teaching her a few moves and it generally flows well. Smiles and fun all around.

 

Jake is in set with his girl. I didn’t notice right away, but his girl would end up less than happy with him and want out of the set . . .

 

Right off the bat, though, the four of us had the dancefloor to ourselves. This is where it got really fun. Basically I just really enjoyed feeling that everyone was watching me totally blow this girl’s mind. I could see the eyes of most of the bar on me, and most of them were staring jealously. It was like there was no dancefloor. Why dance when these four are more fun to watch?

 

It was basically the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

 

Even the place looked different! Here are some of the beliefs that I think were operating:

 

1. Me and my girl are the center of attention, and everyone is watching

2. The rest of the bar is maybe jealous – but more importantly excited by how much fun we’re having and actually rooting us on

3. No one is going to bash my head with a rock for doing any of this

4. I can’t go wrong – everything I do is flawless and it hits

5. I can basically have any girl in the bar I want

 

So there was plenty of attraction just throwing her around the dancefloor. When the music slowed I had some time for a just little qualification and comfort. She’s a lawyer, works a lot. I asked her why she does that and qualified her on that.

 

Then I told her I was going to regret it, but I’ve decided to marry a lawyer. Me? Yes you! Haha. She giggled and held out her pinky.

 

In a few minutes she decided to go to the bathroom. I was massively keyed up, totally in state. And feeling unstoppable. I used the time she was in the bathroom to wechat close this African girl right in front of the bar. Just because I could, really.

 

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She came back and we dropped right in again dancing. For the next half hour I basically did three things.

 

1. Attraction: Being dominant dancing with her and kinoing her. Jokes and whispering shit into her ear

2. Sexualization: I basically kept telling her the shit I wanted to do to her naked body. And matched it with some kino. I walked my hands between her tits and said I can’t wait to put the rest of me here.

3. Qualification: Telling her every so often I like smart girls, etc

 

She was generally enjoying the whole thing. I was cognizant she was a little older and maybe not used to the attention. She also told me at a couple points she just wanted to dance tonight. These two things in my mind might have slowed me down a year ago. This time they didn’t. I just kept pushing.

 

About this time I was starting to get a little bored and looking for an opportunity to bounce. She said she didn’t want to leave her friend. So that reminded me . . . I should check in with Jake.

 

I went over and talked with him, giving the girls an opportunity to get together. His girl seemed anxious to get away, and they talked for a little while. When I got back with my girl, she told me her friend thought Jake was boring, and that I should do something to liven him up.

 

Not the end of the world. I tried a few times to get them dancing more, and threw some shit his way to talk to her about. Didn’t seem to do much and the girls kept on getting together for girl chats, which I would have to break up.

 

Finally, Jake left somewhere with his girl. I grabbed mine and headed for the elevator. I was really trying to make this happen.

 

No, she says. I’m drunk! I feel drunk too, baby! But you’re not that drunk. And look at me, not a drop. Oh . . .

 

I find out she lives nearby me, so even better for a bounce to a bar across the street from my apartment. I go for that but no cigar. She is still wanting to go back to her friend. So I bring her back into the bar.

 

At this point I’m feeling ok. Not confident I’m going to make it happen tonight, but thinking it’s still possible, if I just persist.

 

We go in and find Jake’s girl. She’s with two other guys. Introductions go around. Decent guys, I guess. Everything is fine.

 

And then: my girl says the guys are taking the two of them to karaoke. Really? I really didn’t want to move locations when I was having so much fun in Xiu. And go to an environment where it might be other guys in charge and/or treating me. Or worse: they’ve set the whole thing up AND ask me to pay for it. And karaoke bores me. I was less concerned that she would have fun with these guys and/or that something would happen. Regardless, I said no to karaoke.

 

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I opened a few other sets, and they hooked but I was not into it. I wanted that magic to last forever . . .

 

I left and Jake came with me. Me and the girl chatted on wechat when I got back to the apartment and even said we’d meet up again Monday. She since moved that back to Thursday. So we’ll see what happens. Looking forward to it.

 

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Things I did well:

1. Opening – high energy and fun

2. I was very nonneedy and unconcerned with the outcome as we entered the bar, and I think that carried into the set

3. Huge state

4. Owning the dancefloor

5. Sexualizing

 

Things to improve on:

1. How to reframe the “I just want to dance”

2. Isolate – in there I had tried to isolate into one of the rooms off the side, but no luck

3. Helping a buddy in his set when it’s not going so well

4. Willingness to head out in a group to another club. Frankly I was exhausted and pissed it wasn’t going to go smoothly into a lay BUT I do think this was a fine decision and actually helped me look not needy, for whatever it was worth

5. Motivation – Basically I gave up after the set

[New York]

Update here. We texted a couple times Sunday (the day after). She had apparently forgotten much of the conversation (including for example that I live in the same part of Beijing as her) AND that we set up a meet on Monday. Mentioning she was busy Monday I moved it to Thursday, then was dissappointed when she did not follow up on those. It's basically dead now. I'll probably put her on the list of those I ping randomly every once in a while.

 

I still feel like the biggest lesson here is about state. Not sure what exactly it is though? Also think there are lessons to learn about SNL momentum and success/failure of an aggressive SNL setup in closing later if it doesn't close that night. ALSO think about how easy it is to remember later on (ie now, after deciding to take her off my immediate list) that she's fatter and older than I typically go for . . .

[RedpoleQ]

I've read this report several times but haven't replied because the way you wrote it seemed to imply that you felt you ran this pretty perfectly and it was circumstances that got in the way.

 

It's true that circumstances get in the way--that's always the case--but you were so busy enjoying state that you weren't thinking and planning ahead.

 

This is a major problem with all this state stuff. Back in the west, being in state really can be everything because if a woman likes you, she'll help to make it happen.

 

Not so with the vast majority of Asian girls...remember there was no women's sexual liberation in Asia.

 

That means that state doesn't count for much in my opinion. It's more important to make the right moves than to feel good about the moves.

 

In fact, I think that real mastery in pickup, and in anything really, is when doing the right thing makes you feel good no matter the outcome.

 

Feeling right leading to doing right is a losing strategy in the long run. It's no different really from "be yourself" because if you were emotionally wired in the best way to get the best girls, you would be getting them, period.

 

Like becoming an expert in almost anything there are usually certain counter intuitive behaviors that need to be learned and internalized. Pickup is no different.

 

Focusing on feelings will commonly lead you down the wrong path.

 

Now, to get into the errors I see:

 

1) not identifying that she lived nearby you early in the set

 

With that knowledge, instead if focusing so much time on dancing and having a good time, you could have been focusing on setting things up so that you all went home but you shared a taxi with her and then tried to bounce home once your Jake and her friend were gone.

 

Another option would have been for all 4 of you to bounce to the bar while the vibes were still good and then sending Jake and the obstacle home in taxis first leaving you with your girl to try for the home bounce.

 

Arguably, this is the biggest error.

 

2) not keeping up with Jake who you presumably know has weak game.

 

Very likely, you lost this set because the obstacle was so bored with him that when she got another offer she immediately bailed on you and Jake.

 

It's even possible that she started calling people so she could find something more fun to do.

 

3) no time bridge!

 

Time bridging IN PERSON is so much easier and give you a much better idea of where you stand with her than just getting WeChat.

 

4) Paying too much attention to what other people in the bar were doing or thinking...this is totally irrelevant to your set.

 

Keep your eye on the ball as they say.

 

You need to FOCUS on what's going on right in front of you and think things through.

 

You don't have mental energy to waste on unimportant elements.

 

5) projecting instead of being present in the moment

 

How did you not notice that she was fatter and older the first time? Probably because you weren't paying attention.

 

You were more focused on re-enforcing your good feelings than on what was really happening.

 

This makes it easy to blunder and make simple errors because what she needs from you to feel comfortable with progressing may be totally different from what makes you feel awesome.

 

The most common error means that guys are are overly arrogant which makes them feel bold and dashing but often means the girl feels alienated and insecure.

 

So, overall, I would say that while you did a lot well, it's the little things that mental laziness leads to missing and means the difference between getting something and getting nothing.

 

I think you need to add a lot more strategy and planning into your game to move it up to the next level.

[New York]

Ok this is exactly what I needed to hear. Mostly because I realize now I was thinking about state in the wrong way. For instance I would use not being in state as an excuse not to approach (I have started to work on this by forcing myself to approach one girl a day, basically ensuring that I'm not in state . . . and, at least with regard to making the decision to approach, taking the right actions nonetheless). I get now, though, that what's wrong with that thinking is that you're telling yourself 1) that you need state to take action (not true) AND 2) that state will guarantee the results (also not true).

 

. . . and constantly looking for state to do these things is exactly that: mental laziness.

 

I probably was never really in control of this set. And if I'm honest, this set could just as easily be read as her using me for validation and/or fun or whatever.

 

On your points.

 

There was little time for a proper exchange of information. We were dancing so hard that it just didn't happen. I realize I should have either made it happen or created a better opportunity. And that's the problem again: I was not in control of the set, so when I went for a bounce to a quieter place (where that would happen) she did not go.

 

The buddy seemed to be doing fine. His girl was in fact hotter than mine. The open happened so randomly I didn't have time to pick one. I wonder what would have happened if we had switched.

 

I did time bridge, but it was late in the set and . . . she apparently forgot the next day when we texted.

 

I have ADD or something. There's something else going on here that I want to get to the bottom of. I don't give a shit about much of what happens around me. It's becoming a problem to the point that it's annyong me. Focus is one part of it . . . the other part is total narcissism. I'm really interested in shifting major gears in life to quit focusing on myself and focusing on others instead.

 

And so on to your last point: This is difficult. Especially since so much of what I've learned doing pickup is around the idea of just feeling good. And that's a pretty simple indicator of success. I feel good = success. And thinking about what she needs, for instance, to make the move to my place or whatever, is a potential threat to that success. In that moment, I would rather believe what I've told myself (that I actually AM the shit and could fuck any girl in the world hahhahahahah!) than expose myself to truth: I still have a lot of work to do, just in this set.

[RedpoleQ]

Awesome! Yeah, from my perspective, if you're doing pickup right, you'll stay humble because you're always reaching.

 

I think it's a good thing.

 

Plus when you reach, you sometimes get and then, at least in my case, I feel the most awesome.

 

Props in being honest with yourself (and sharing!), it ain't easy.

 

sent from RPQ's Galaxy...